Days 61 and 62

Day 61:

Side Effects: Low appetite. Acne is still getting better.

Feelings: After my night last night, this morning wasnt so great either. Work dragged on..and on..and on. We had a meeting about mid-day about how we were going to step up production. I was offering up some opinions but apparently they werent going to be considered so I just shut the hell up. At lunch, one of my coworkers friends brought everyone lunch. Which was weird. He is a guy and the first thought is that he must be into her but she said that all of her other friends think that he is gay. THINK. As in, they dont know. They just assumed. From this though, I am betting that he is straight. No one likes their friends enough to buy their whole office lunch. So, that was a nice surprise. After that, I went to the big meeting at B’s school for him. We basically just agreed on everything we talked about a few days before and that was that.

I went back to work and started cranking it out again. *Note: normally I try to keep my occupation anonymous as well but I feel as though it is relative to the journal so forget you are reading this! I was hustling around and working on this one patient when I noticed something weird. I was sitting there working when smoke started billowing out of their mouth. I knew this was crazy and couldnt be happening. I tried to refocus my eyes 3 times and make it go away but it didnt. Finally when it did, all I could think was “I’m fucking crazy.” That’s it. Put me in a straight jacket, throw me in the padded room and bury the key. It didnt happen again at work so I just tried to wrap everything up and go home.

When I got home, K had made spaghetti. The kids love spaghetti. Everyone ate and then went on to play and them go to bed. I stayed up to try and watch 16 and pregnant but I just ended up feeling down again. I started to cry so I went to bed. K held me for a while before I decided that I needed to brush my teeth and turn out the light. When I went to get into bed, I saw a black bug. I immediately whipped the comforter away and started looking for it. K started looking too and asked me what I was looking for. I said a bug. A black bug. It was round and right…here. My comforter is white and my sheets are light green. I would have seen the bug once I started looking for it. But it wasnt there or anywhere around. There was no bug. Awesome. My therapist and I have a lot to talk about tomorrow.

Therapy day

Day 62:

Side Effects: Low appetite. Acne is flaring up some today. Bad headaches too.

Feelings: I woke up in a bad mood. Probably because I didnt have a good day yesterday and today is a therapist day. I sent B off to school and was trying to escape out of the door without E seeing me when my roommate told me that E hit her in the forehead with a battery yesterday. All I could do was laugh. She probably deserved it so I’m certainly not going to get E in trouble for it. He’s 18 months! What am I going to say to him? “Hey listen, I know you dont understand me and all but you’ve really got to watch out for what sort of things you’re throwing at people, okay? Maybe throw a stuffed animal at her next time, Mkay?” He’s a baby, he has no concept of punishment after the fact. Jeez.

At work, I knew I didnt feel good from the moment I walked in. I felt feverish and just blah. I was going to try to make it through the day though because we had a lot of clients and not a whole lot of time or staff members. I had blocked myself out for lunch so I could go to my noon appointment with my therapist. I was getting a guilt trip about that all day but I didnt care. I’m not going to further compromise my mental health for this job. I just wont. I left to make it to my appointment and got there on time. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. (see my last very short post) Finally, my therapist came out to get me. Her last patient ran over her time. Anway, I told her right off of the bat that I had to watch the time because I had to get back to work. We started to talk about work then. I gave her the update of the usual bull and then we moved onto to talk about what area I could find in my life to let go of so that I dont go over the edge. I told her there’s nothing. Everything is a priority. She suggested I take some time off of work. I told her I would get fired if I did that. She said that was illegal. I said there are ways around that. She said if I wanted, she and my psych could get me some time off. Great. Thats all I need is for them to call my boss and declare that I am insane and so I need time off from work. Awesome. No thanks. I told her that the area that is suffering right now is my marriage. I just dont have the energy to fight. I have my blinders on and my head down. Right now, it’s going to stay that way because I just do not have the brain capacity to do it. Blah. I told her about my suicidal thoughts. She asked if I had a gun, I said no. She said the next time, call her. She didnt care what time. I said ok. She said “You know what it’s about, dont you?” I said no, what? She said “It’s about escape.” She thinks that I am so stressed out right now that I am having thoughts of suicide because I want out. And I do. I really do. She says that I have to give something up or I’m going to break. I tell her that I feel like that all of the time. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge all of the time. And I’m about to go over it. I tell her that I’m still crying for no reason as well. She asks if my pysch has put me on an antidepressant as well. Ah, ha! I tell her that I was told that it was an antidepressant as well as a mood stabilizer so which is which? She said it’s a mood stabilizer and she thinks that I need an antidepressant as well. Son of a bitch. I could have told her that. She says that somethings needs to change because I cant keep going like this. Work is stressful with no end in sight. B’s health in stressful with no end in sight as well. I tell her that my friend and her kids are going to be moving out. She said that’s good but she doesnt think it will help that much for me. They are an issue but I had problems way before that. I tell her i’m seeing things that arent there lately. She asks like what. I say I saw smoke coming out of someones mouth yesterday and then a big black bug in my bed. Both times I knew it was crazy and I shouldnt be seeing it, but I was. She said that IS weird. She says she doesnt think that it is a side effect of the Lamictal. She thinks that I am so stretched out that the hallucinations are my minds way of showing desperation. She says I am not crazy. That makes me feel better. I tell her that I told my psych about having nightmares almost every night but she seemed to dismiss them because it doesnt sound like a side effect of the medicine. She says that she doesnt understand that and that next time we get together, she will interpret some of my nightmares for me and we will look at that. It should be interesting.

I went back to work and finished out my day. I had a massive headache all through it. When I get home, I went to rest on the couch for a bit and then B came in the door with K. B was crying. K said that he saw a neighbor girl picking on him and pushing him down. I grabbed B and went outside. I walked over to the little girl and demanded to know what happened. She said he pinched her. I asked why. She said she didnt know. I said he wouldnt pinch you for no reason. B said she took his boot and hit him with it. Z (the little girl who lives with me) told me that was true. She took his boot and hit him and then he pinched her so she pushed him down and started hitting him with a rolled up newspaper. This is when K saw her and yelled at her to stop and get away from B. I told her that I better not ever see her fighting with him again. The next time I will go and find her mother. Little brat.

My head hurts.

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Days 58,59 and 60

Day 58:

Side Effects: Low appetite. Acne is still getting better. Good.

Feelings: I was up and down today.

The ups: I went and got pedicures with my mom and sister. My toes look nice and I had a glass of wine. I felt my sisters baby kick. We went to the mall and I got new Bare Minerals. I found a nice pair of pants. Now, I have 2 pairs that I can fit into. E got some Vans. K got some work clothes and B got a necklace and I am eyeing a pair of Vans for him for his birthday. We had some pizza. B spent the night with my niece. K fell asleep and I stayed up and watched How to Train Your Dragon and Easy A. Both are excellent.

The Downs: I tried to make myself eat a lot today and I ended up feeling sick. B was rebelling today and sticking his tongue out at me and talking back. I was extremely frustrated. I stalked away from K in the mall because he was pissing me off being a slow shopper while E was freaking out and having a tantrum. I had to try on 3 pairs of jeans before I found one to fit me. I tried on 5 pairs of shorts and none of them fit me. It was depressing. K was mad at me because I wasnt quite ready to leave my parents house to go home. I wanted to visit my sister some more. When we got home, K fell asleep and I stayed up to watch How to Train your Dragon and Easy A. Neither are equivalent to a conversation with my husband.

Day 59:

Side Effects: Low appetite. Acne continues to get better.

Feelings: E and I got up and went over to my parents in the morning. B was up with my dad and my mom and sister werent there. They came back a little while later though. I was frustrated because basically, we just sat around and did nothing the whole day. How annoying. If I wanted to do that, I would stay at home in my PJ’s. My sister eventually left to start the trip back home. Then my mother decided she wanted to go shopping. B wanted to stay with my Dad so we took E. While we were looking for some home goods at T.J. Max my mother decided that was the time to declare how proud she was of me and how I’ve grown and made something of myself and she doesnt know what has happened with my brothers. I just said “aw..thanks.” and gave her a shoulder punch. She gave me a hug. I was uncomfortable and told her thanks for the awkward T.J. Max compliments and hug. She laughed. I wondered what she had been snorting. See. I dont like touching. Even from my mother. Hugs and what not freak me out. Anyone else? No? Just me? Whatever. It’s not so much the hug. It was the weird complimenting. She never says shit like that. It felt like b.s. Like she was on some sort of high from the family weekend. Me and my sister and little brother get a long very well so I guess that was like Christmas for her to have us all together and around her. I guess I’ll let her have that one. But without the hugging.

K had to go to work at 12am so I took the boys home and got everyone fed and ready for bed. I was going that way myself when K woke up. I was brushing my teeth when he got out of the shower and after that, things started to happen. Sometimes, I can be going along just fine with the foreplay and what not and then it will hit me. A flashback. A split second of horror. Triggered by god knows what. A position, similar touch, a smell maybe even the lighting. I dont know. But sometimes it happens. And when it does, it sucks really really bad. I told K I wanted to stop and we did. He layed with me for a while before he had to go to work. I turned on the t.v. and watched 16 and pregnant. I fell asleep to the sound of a 16 year old in labor and slipped into nightmares. Nightmares based off of memories. I woke a few times drenched in sweat, reaching for K. And he wasn’t there. I didn’t have a good night.

Day 60:

Side Effects: Low appetite. Little to no acne. Some nausea and dizziness today.

Feelings: I was not ready for Monday. I had to drag myself out of bed and I felt like I was still sleeping while getting myself and the boys up and going this morning. When I got to work, I pulled it together and pepped it up for the day. It was going pretty well for the most part. Unfortunately, they are debating firing the new girl still. and now we have to do some random Power Point presentations about our courses we took when we were out of town. Great. I was hungover or still a little drunk during those. I hope I took some legible notes. The mobile car wash guy came and washed our cars today. I love him. It’s such a good idea for a business venture. I just dont have the darn time to go and wash my car and clean it out and he does a really good job. We got a really cute new client with a british accent today that all of the girls were swooning over. The clients, the staff, everyone. I just rolled my eyes at them as they made humping motions from behind a wall where the client couldnt see them. It was pretty funny. Tomorrow, I’m letting my coworker work with him because shes single and she basically demanded that we switch. I’m fine with that.

I get home and play a game of cards with B and the girls. K makes supper. House comes on and we move to the living room. We have to tell the kids 4 times to go to the playroom while we try to watch it. The show ends and I’m sitting on the couch when I feel my head go numb. Then my body. I slip from a sitting position to just falling over on my side and laying down. The kids wont leave me alone. I come over to the computer and lay my head down on the desk. I can feel my eyes constantly welling up with tears. I start thinking about ways to die. If only I had a gun, I thought. I made myself turn on the computer and type this post. It’s the only thing keeping me from lying down and not moving or sleeping for a while. I feel so lifeless. Every move feels like it’s being made by strings. Like I’m a puppet. Made to jump and dance during the day to entertain others. But at night, I’m limp and useless. I dont want to keep going anymore. Not tonight.

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Days 56 and 57

Therapy Day

Day 56:

Side Effects: Acne. Low appetite continues.

Feelings: I had a 7:15 appointment with my therapist today. Thats 7:15 A.M. I was not sure I would want to talk about anything other than sleep this early. I was a little late. (because it was 7:15!) She asked me what was on my mind this morning. I said sleep. She laughed. She said her too. I didnt know how to start so she did. She asked me if I was on the way to work. I said yes. She asked me if I liked my job. I said most of the time. She asked me what I meant by that. I said that I like it but there is a coworker who is pretty out there and never gets in trouble for the way she talks to people. She asked for an example. I said that I was in a bad mood one day and she came to the back and asked me what the fuck my problem was. Her eyes widened and she said “Wow.” I said, “Yeah, it gets better.” This prompted my other coworker to say something to our boss who finally held a meeting but all we got out of it was that the rest of us need to have thicker skins. She gave a sarcastic laugh and told me that sort of thing is called verbal harassment and I could file a grievance. I said yeah, if I wanted to lose my job. She said maybe but did I want to work in an environment like that anyway? I dont know. Was all I could say. She said it speaks a lot to my boss also that she never gets into trouble. It says that she wants things controlled no matter how it gets done. I agreed. I tell her that this person will be over me once our office manager leaves to have her baby. And I dont think she is coming back. I also tell her that I have taken on a lot of responsibility at work and it requires stress and a lot of long hours.

She ask how it was going with my mother. I tell her that she is still trying to force a relationship between me and my brother even though he is in jail and I dont give a shit. I tell her that it has been like that since I told my mother. I would go to family functions or to take B to visit her and he would be there. Saying Hi like everything is fine and trying kiss me or hug me. I wanted to vomit and stab him everytime. Sick bastard. I would push him away from me in disgust. She never gave me a warning about him being there so I stopped coming over or going to any family thing. Now that he is in jail she starts off every sentence with “I know you dont care, but” When she about to talk about him. “you’re right.” I would tell her. “I dont care, so dont tell me.” It pisses her off, but I dont care. If she wants to hurt my feeling then I will hurt hers without blinking an eye. My therapist rolls her eyes and says that it is a shame that my mother doesnt support me. I tell her that it doesnt make since because she was abused when she was younger. My grandmother didnt support her. So wouldnt she want to support me because she experienced how much that hurt first hand? Or maybe she is just bitter. We’d get back to that another day.

We switched gears then to my marriage. I told her that I feel as though I have been tuning my marriage problems out right now because I’m so stressed at work and with B’s health. Not to mention the other 3 kids in our house. She asked about B. I told her B was a 24 week baby and he was 1 pound 4 ounces. He suffers from complications of being a preemie as well as Cornelia De Lange syndrome. He is very small but has lost some weight recently and thats not good. He is being tested and poked so much lately that it’s criminal. They are 80% sure he has Celiac Disease. We are trying to figure out why he dry heaves so much. Oh, and he dry heaves because his esophagus is wrapped into a one way valve ( a surgeon did this when they placed his tube. He had aspirated into his lungs.) and he cannot throw up but we dry heaves like he wants to. The finger is pointing at Celiac Disease right now. I also tell her that B is being switched into STRIVE next year. She asked what that was and I explained in to her. I told her i’m tired of him coming home and telling me that school is hard and that he is stupid. I started to cry about here. She asked if there was anyway to know if he would progress normally. I said I dont know. We have talked about things. Asked questions that have no answers right now: Will he live with us his whole life? Will he ever get married? Have kids? Have a job? Drive a car? Tie his shoes?She asked if K was helpful. I said he feeds him with his tube, sometimes bathes him and gets him dressed. But he does not take him to doctors appointments or talk to doctors. He is hardly involved in this at all. It is hurtful. It’s like B is my child and E is his. B and K used to be closer. They used to be buddies. But then, K left us about 3 years ago. B was very hurt but I’m sure K thought he was too young to remember. He was not. And I dont think he has ever gotten over it. She asked me about home life.(I’m sure to save me from crying) I told her that we also have a friend that is staying with us and her 2 daughters but she does not help out around the house and does not babysit E up to my standards. She asked how. I said she takes him places and I never know that he went there until it is casually mentions or her daughter tells me. She rolls her eyes. I agree.

She looked over everything and her eyes widened at the overwhelming amount of information on the paper she was making notes on. “How do you do all of this?” she asks. I thought for a minute. “I don’t know anymore.” And I really dont. I’m at my limit. I’m spread much too thin and I dont know what I could possibly delegate. Everything is a priority. I’m about to break.

The rest of the day was fine. Up until it was time to go to bed and I had a minor crazy moment/freak out. I’m sure it was an effect of having to talk about things I wasnt comfortable with today. But I’m sure K doesnt like to be shoved out of the bed and watch as I try to pull my hair out. I’m losing it.

Day 57:

Side Effects: The acne is getting better. I have been washing with the purifying cleanser every night. Low appetite is still there and like I said, I’m not complaining too much.

Feelings: Today was fine at work. It was a long day but just because we were ready for the weekend. The girls gave me a hard time about not eating. They think I’m on a diet but really, I’m just not hungry. After work I got home and found out from K, who found out from my mother, who found out from our house guest, that she took E to the beach today. My hair lit I fire I think. I asked K to check for smoke. He said he could see some. Who takes someone else’s baby to the beach without asking? What if she wasnt watching him and he got hurt or worse? Did she even put lotion on him? She did but what she does not know about white babies (because she did not ask ) was that their scalps get sunburned and he needed to wear a hat. And his scalp is sunburned. I texted her because I knew she was at work and told her to not take E to the beach without asking us again. She texted back and said she was sorry, she didnt think I would mind. That’s silly. Of course I would mind. Would she let someone take her baby to the beach? Maybe she would. Our parenting style differ. Ugh.

My sister came into town to visit today. She is 6 months pregnant and has a 6 year old. Who almost comes up to my shoulder. I am not effing kidding. She is tall. I’m almost 5’2 and I know thats short but, damn. Anyway, E had a good time playing with her. B was at a Relay for Life with my mom. When he got home, he showed me his t shirt he got for doing 2 laps around the track. I joked with him that he didnt need the excercise at all because he was going to lose even more weight. I also chided my mother for keeping him out so late. It was 10 at night. My sister and I were looking at cakes for her baby shower. She asked me to make her one and I said yes. I’m pretty good at making fondant cakes. I’ll post a picture when the time rolls around.

The night was better than the afternoon, I must say. Stupid room mate.

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Days 54 and 55

Day 54:

Side effects: ACNE. It’s getting worse. I have to do something about this. My coworker told me that the new girl uses ProActive. Which, not to be mean but, maybe it doesnt work that great. Nightmares and headaches continue. I have not started the 300 mg dose yet. I’m not sure why, maybe I’m just too lazy to cut the pills in half. Or maybe I’m too scared that the side effects will get worse. Either way, I havent started it.

Feelings: Moody today. Very up and down. I had a meeting this morning with B’s teachers and they want to go ahead and move him to Second grade but he will only be with the second graders for specialty classes. All of his core classes will be in the STRIVE class. They will work with him on his level (which right now is kindergarten) until he is ready to move on to something bigger, at his own pace. I think this is a good idea because his self esteem is what is the most important to me. I am tired of my baby coming home telling me that he hates school and that he is stupid. For one thing, who is calling him stupid? He doesnt say things like that. I know you other Moms know what I’m talking about when I say that I want to find the kid who was an ass to your kid and kick them in their shins. Little bastards. Sorry, I HATE to think of him being picked on when he is trying the best that he can. UGH..makes me so angry.

I got a call and landed a big client and was jumping up and down (literally) with joy. I spent most of the day trying to coordinate around him. But I was fine with that. Then I went to angry. We had a meeting and it seemed as though the only opinion that mattered during that meeting was the AWESOME coworkers opinion. Which was BS. Our office manager is leaving soon and she is going to be stepping up and taking her place until she gets back. I would love to do it but, she has the (10 month) seniority. Do I think she can do the job? Yes. Do I think she will do it with class? No. Do I think this will only make her head swell more? YES.

After work, I got happy again and wanted to go shopping. Me, K, B and E went to Target to pick up some things for the house. I got some purifying cleanser for my face (which will hopefully help) as well as some organic bronzer. I need to pick up some more Bare Minerals as well. I have some, but I was much more tan when I bought it and now, I’m pasty. So I need some pasty Bare Minerals. Do they make a shade named that? They should. I also bought some big fluffy towels. Because I wanted to.

And then to sad. When I try to think of my marriage, a wall goes up. It’s like I’m blocking out all of those feelings because I just dont want to deal with them right now. I’m so focused on being “happy” and better that I think I’m ignoring things I should be dealing with. I feel like I’m sticking my fingers in my ears and going “lalalalalalalalala” to all of my problems. The upside is that I think I’m tricking myself into thinking I’m better and so I feel better. The down side is that I’m going to develop a repression tumor. Whats so bad about the repression anyway? Isnt that what everyone does? Stuff down all of those things that are bothering you because its not appropriate or looked down on? No? Just me? Well, I was raised effed up. I dont even think I can talk to K right now because I just dont know what to say. There’s too much to say. I cant even process how to let it come out.

I sound crazy.

Day 55:

Side effects: Acne at its worst. I tried to cover it up today but I could feel the heat as everyone I came into contact with stared at it. Kill me. Low appetite, a few chips and a cookie for lunch. Headaches..

Feelings: As soon as I got to work today I learned that our office manager was having contractions the night before and is at home on bedrest. My boss has a feeling that she is going to stay on bedrest so we need to start working like she isnt coming back for a while. I dont think she is coming back at all. If not, we really need to hire an extra person even though my boss doesnt want to. It will be insanity if not. So of course, guess whose head grew 8 sizes today? Thats right, Awesome coworker. While me and the new girl tried to keep things going during the day, I could hear her doing nothing and talking and laughing. When I got a break I let her know that there are things that could be done while she was just sitting there. I didnt wait around for an answer. I just went to back to work. I’m not going to be able to deal with things like that if she is going to be our office manager. She needs to be competent, proactive and organized. I’m not too impressed by what I see right now. But, it’s not up to me. We held another meeting today about things we could improve upon and it only made me more mad. Awesome coworker would just switch out a few words from the sentence our boss just said and repeat it back to her and my boss just ate it up. WTF? Does she not notice this BS? I have got to learn how to not let these things get to me. Woosa and all of that. Whatever. Upside is that the mobile car wash guy came by the office today and I finally got his phone number so he could come and wash my car next week. Score.

When I got out of work today, I called my mom. She had taken B to the doctor today for me because I could not get off of work to take him. He just needs an adjustment with his ADHD meds. She said that they adjusted it but the doctor was concerned about his weight. B was 37 pounds (he is very tiny) B is now 33 pounds. That is a huge weight loss for someone who is already so tiny. He is small, he has Cornelia De Lange Syndrome. And he was born as a micropremie so there’s that too. But to lose that much weight is strange. He is tube fed so she uped his feeds by one more a day. I hope he gets his weight back up because we are all concerned at this point.

Therapist appointment tomorrow at 7:15 a.m. Woot..thats the only time I can do with work. Woot…

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Days 52 and 53

Happy Mother’s Day!

Side Effects: Some acne, low appetite and nightmares. Whether its a nightmare or not, there is always dreaming. I cant remember the last time I had a dreamless sleep.

Feelings: I discovered today that I am losing weight. Not a bad thing and Happy Mothers day to me. About 3 pounds. Must be all of this low appetite stuff. Oh well. I likey.

The boys had made me a card that was very cute. E immediately took it away from me though and claimed it as his own. I enjoyed it while it lasted. I unwrapped their gift to me, some lovely perfume, and we had some breakfast. Later in the morning, E took a nap and we tidied up the house a bit. When he woke up, we went to my mother’s house to have lunch. We hung out for a while and had fajitas. My Dad and I opened a bottle of wine. (we are the only ones who drink it) My mothers present was not in yet so I apologized to her. My Dad’s birthday present wasn’t in yet either. This was really frustrating. I ordered 2 other things online and they came way sooner than their presents. Just for the record, I got them each a scentsy warmer and 3 scents a piece. My Dad especially is anal about the way their house smells so I thought it would be nice. We said goodbye later in the evening and we all went home. The boys went down and we prepped for Monday. Ugh..how I hate Mondays.

How was everyone else’s Mother’s Day?

Day 53:

Side effects: The acne has really kicked it up a notch. I dont think I’ve ever had acne this bad in my life. It’s so gross. Low appetite continues, as do headaches. But again, those are probably from not eating.

Feelings: I hate Mondays. Have I mentioned that? Today was okay. No big problems at work. We all basically talked about the trip and how much fun we had. No one was ready to get back into the groove of working. Everyone was also talking, but mostly laughing, at my sleepwalking. It is funny, I would have laughed if I saw anyone of them doing it. I had a lot of phone calls to make and things to juggle today so that was that only bigger obstacle I had. When I got home, my presents I ordered for my mom and dad were there. I put them in some gift bags and took the kids over to there house to give them to them. They loved them and picked their scents they wanted to try right away. I’m always glad when I know I’ve given someone a good gift. I’m like “Yea, they will really use that and enjoy it.” As opposed to, “Uh, I couldnt think of anything so…here.” We went back home and the kids had some supper. I went to brush B’s teeth and noticed his permanent molars were cutting through in the back. I am interested in this because he has not lost any teeth at all yet. He will be 7 in June and none are gone. Is that normal? Anyway, I also found out today that E knows where his teeth are. If you ask him, he will point to them. Smart boy.

I havent given much thought to my marriage lately. Is that bad? I have been just kind of going through the motions. I try not to stir anything up and thats about it. Flying under the radar, if you will. More on this later.

Come on, Tuesday!

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Days 50 and 51

Day 50:

Side Effects: Acne a bit. Headaches. Low appetite. I did have a nightmare this night. I sat straight up in bed, terrified and called for K. And then I realized that I was not at home, I was in a hotel room. With a room mate. And I was embarrassed. I hoped she didnt hear me but the next morning she told me she did. Crap.

Feelings: I had classes all day today. At my 8:30 to 11:30 class, I learned a lot and was very interested. I seemed to be the only one there that was not a higher up though. Oh well. My coworkers and I met up after the morning class and I used my Places app on my phone to find us a restaurant near by. We walked a couple of blocks and ate some mexican food outside. I got sunburned of course. I’m so white. I generally dont like tanning because it’s bad for you, but now I’m going to have to go to fix this farmers tan. Yuck.

We walked back for our afternoon classes and separated. My next class was VERY interesting. It was a very good class. My coworker was next door so when it was over, I met up with her and we walked back to the hotel. We had an hour before we had to meet up at a restaurant with our boss. I knew I didnt have time but I had to shower. I mean, I really had to. I felt gross. So as usual, everyone was waiting on me. While we were getting ready, there was a knock on our door. It was our boss. Crap. I joked that everyone was waiting on me and said we would be down soon. As soon as I was done, we met up to have drinks. Our boss kept the rounds coming and I think we all got a little tipsy. The boss left to go back to her room and we ventured out to find something to eat that was not mexican food or burgers.

We found an awesome italian restaurant not far away. We waited at the bar for our table which took a while but their was 6 of us. We had some good food, I had parmesan artichoke hearts which was very good. I just couldnt eat too much of it. After that, we swung back by the rooms so our friend could change and to drop the new girl off who didnt like going out with us because of her boyfriend. Weird, I know.

We all headed out and took a taxi to a gay club that our friend told us was fun. We had a really good time there. The male dancers are nice to look at but you know they arent playing for your team so that makes it okay to look at them. Haha. I had a guy plant a kiss on me (gay) and I immediately felt the need to tell K. He kissed all of my friends too. Everyone was equally shocked I think. It wasnt bad, it was funny but unexpected. There was however, a straight guy who would not get off of me. I was just dancing with my friends when he worked his way in and would not go away. My friend tried to pull me away from him and he pulled me back. I threw my hand in his face to show him my wedding ring at that point. He told me to “calm down” and that we were just dancing. I told him that 1. I dont like to be touched,period. and 2. Tell my husband that we were “just dancing” and see what he says to you. It was so obnoxious. Everything was fine after that. We caught the cab back to the hotel and passed out. Then things got interesting apparently…

Day 51:

Side Effects: Continuing acne, though it is not a lot. Low appetite. Dizziness and nausea. But, I was hung over.

Feelings: After our fun night, I was feeling it in the morning. My room mate and I forgot to set an alarm so she almost missed her first class which was her most important. I showered and met the new girl to walk to our first class. I felt horrible. I should have grabbed a Gatorade and a granola bar or something but I didnt. Because I’m dumb. I sat through the class with one of my other coworker feeling like I was going to throw up. Our teacher did not help. He was a class A douche bag. So arrogant and ridiculous. My coworker is about 7 to 8 months pregnant and she started to feel like she was having some cramps so she bailed out about an hour into the class.

During the class, I remembered something strange from the night before. I had my roomie clear it up later. She said she awoke to a lot of banging and scratching. Scared, she just layed there for a minute trying to figure it out what it was. Finally, she flicked on the light and saw me standing there, holding a picture in its frame (that was the size of me) and trying to get it off of the wall. I only remember this part. I remember putting it back on the wall and that was it. She said that after that, I went to the bathroom and then got back into bed. It was so weird. I have no recollection of this. I know that I have slept walked in the past but I did not think that I was still doing that. K says that he hasnt noticed it lately but he did bring up a good point. I have never actually drank a substantial amount of alcohol on the Lamictal. This was my first time. So maybe that is it. I dont know.

Anyway,  I stuck out the class for the full 3 hours and then I basically ran out of there. I got something to eat first, which was a granola bar and caught a cab. We packed up and checked out of the hotel. The ride back was okay. We picked up something to eat and I fell asleep for a while. K came to pick me up at the office and I almost cried seeing the boys. I missed them so much. They were actually really happy to see me and that felt good. We went home and settled in. We ordered chinese food and watched some t.v. The boys went to bed shortly after and so did we. I was wiped out.

It was a pretty good trip. I did notice that I have a problem keeping my temper in check when coming face to face with rude people. That is an issue because you just cant be like that all of the time. You’re always going to run into rude people. It’s just life. I seem to have word vomit though. I just cant keep the mouth shut. Stupid mouth.

More to come tomorrow, this catching up is killing me! Night all.

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Days 48 and 49

Appointment Day!

Day 48:

Side Effects: Acne. Not too much. If its a side effect, I have a big ball of nervousness in my stomach from the anticipation of today.

Feelings: I saw the Therapist first today. Her name is Jill, she is a soft spoken woman of about 50 or so. I like her immediately for some reason. She makes me feel comfortable. She starts out by telling me a little about what she does and what kind of therapies that could work for me. (art therapy, writing, marriage) My ears perked up at the marriage counseling but thats for another day. She asked me a bunch of questions after that:

Name some good qualities about yourself, B. Oh..(i thought for a while) I dont really think I have any good qualities. Ok, bad ones? I’m depressed a lot, I get angry a lot, I’m just not that great of a person. Okay, are you married? Yes. Do you have kids? Yes. Are you on any medication? Yes. Have you ever taken drugs? Yes, cocaine and crystal meth. How long ago? More than 8 years ago. Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes, when I was 15. I cut myself on a regular basis and someone called CPS on my mom because she didnt so anything about it and they put in the psych ward for a few weeks. Did that help you? No, someone would just walk up to you everyday and ask if you were okay. If you said yes, they just walked away and that was it. (Here, she said that she has heard the place I was at was like that and she didnt like them.)Has there been any history of sexual, emotional or physical abuse?….Yes. Who were the abusers? My brother and my cousin. How old were you when the abuse began? From what I remember, about 5 or 6. But I believe I have some repressed memories. How old were you when the abuse stopped? I was 12 or 13. Is your family supportive? No. They are not now nor have they ever been. I’m very sorry..Do you have a close relationship with your mother? On some levels, as long as we dont go too deep we are okay.  Do you believe she knew what was happening to you? I think that she knew on some level but was in denial or just trying to keep the family together. Keeping up the image of a close, happy family was really important to her. Keeping it up at all cost, it seems. (She shakes her head and looks a little angry at this point, I’m liking her more and more.) So, you werent allowed to talk about it? Did you ever say anything? I did say something to my friend at school about my cousin when I was 12 and she told a counselor, who called the police. They pressed charges but because of death threats and intense bullying at school, I dropped them. Since then, I kept my mouth shut until I was 19 and I told my mother almost everything. She has not been supportive at all.

Here, we got off of that subject for a little while because I was uncomfortable. She asked me about my husband. I said that K was a great guy and that I got very lucky. He doesnt lie, cheat or steal. He is very kind. He is honest. He tries and tries to help me. She says that its wonderful that I think so highly of him and that it seems as though I sought out someone with those qualities because I never had someone like that in my family. (Maybe, but I just think I got lucky)

She asks me what I’m trying to get out of seeing her. I tell her that I dont like to take medicine unless I really need it. And I dont think that medicine alone is going to fix me. I think a combination of medicine and therapy is necessary because medicine cannot help me to deal with my past. And, I’m driving K crazy. She says she thinks that is a good reason. She also says that she runs into 2 types of patients. Patients that have given up and are keeping the cycle going or patients that are trying very hard to break the cycle. She thinks I am breaking the cycle in my family. She says I am breaking away from the toxicity in my family and making my own way with K that is free of the negativity. She says she thinks it takes a very strong person to do that.She also says that I’m a good mother for my children because we have broken away from my family. I started to cry about here but I held it in. Someone thinks that I am strong. Someone thinks that I am good. Someone thinks that I broke the cycle. That feels pretty damn good.

It also felt good that she got mad about my mother not being supportive. She doesnt know the half of it yet but I told her it is very hard for me to talk about anything to anyone so it might take a while. I’m just glad someone thought it was effed up the way my mother acts. I see her again next week. I’m looking forward to it.

I saw the Psych after that appointment. She asked me about symptoms. I told her about my acne, which she doesnt know if it is a real side effects or not. I say,yes. I tell her about my nightmares. She says that sounds like a serotonin side effect and Lamictal was not a serotonin. I tell her that I dont know, but I am having them and I havent before. I also tell her I have no appetite. She says its common for people to lose weight on Lamictal. I tell her I’m not complaining. She ask if my mood is better. I say slightly, K notices a difference but not much. I’m still noticing mood swings. She says give me an example. I say I went ape shit on my plants in the backyard. She says did you like the plants? I said no. She asks what set it off. I say I got a birthday card from my brother. She says she doesnt think that its a mood swing though. She thinks I was enraged by getting the card and took it out on some plants I hated. She said she has worked with women doing rage therapy before and thats common. I just say that it’s not like me. I’m usually pretty good at the whole repression thing. She says to give her another example. I tell her that I have notice I can go through the day being really happy and then having a sudden urge to cry. She says that doesnt sound mood-disorderish. I say whatever, thats what is happening. She says to up my medication to 300mg but if that doesnt work, we need to talk about heavier things that have horrible side effects. I say okay and peace out. I was not happy with her.

Day 49:

Side Effects: Acne, pain in the butt acne. And dizziness. Boo. And no appetite.

Feelings: Today was slow. I was mulling over the session yesterday and the day was dragging by because we had no clients. Today was the day we were going out of town and our boss had left the day before. So we just hung out at the office until 2 which is when she said we could leave. At 2, we packed it up and headed out. I left K the car for the boys. (The new car!) And car pooled with three other girls. It was a fun trip up. About 4 hours and the 2 girls in the back got drunk on the way up there. Me and the girl driving passed on the beers. Once we got there, we unpacked, ran into our coworker that was out on maternity leave but was joining us on our trip (and her SUPER cute baby!) and headed up to our rooms. Our rooms were great. They were right on the water and steps away from the nightlife. We immediately changed and headed out to explore. We decided to stop and get drinks at the Hard Rock Cafe. That was fun. Except I yelled at their manager because his hostess was being a rude bitch and kicked my friend, her husband and her baby out because they came in after we were seated and wanted to join us. Apparantley, that is against their policy. So I asked to speak with her manager, to which I gave an ear full and he gave my friends back their seats. It was ridiculous. After dinner, myself and 2 other girls went to a club across the street. It was fun. Until some obnoxious girl was dancing ALL OVER the floor and almost knocked me over. I told her to get away from me 3 times. I was just thinking about going after her when my friends decided we should go to another floor. So we went down a floor and stayed there the rest of the time. About 1230 we decided we needed to go, we had class in the morning. Me and my roomie, A, got into bed and layed there and talked for a while. A is really nice. She seems to have a lot in common with me and we talk a lot. Some times too much. We didnt go to bed for a bit because we were talking so much. Once we did, I couldnt sleep well because I need noise in a room. I have a fan usually but in this case, no fan. At one point, I jerked straight up in the bed and called K’s name. Then I realized I wasnt at home. Embarrassed, I layed back down and went to sleep. Sigh. Only me.

I’ll post the rest of the days tomorrow, right now it’s late and my bed is calling me. It’s good to be back!

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Days 45,46 and 47

Day 45:

Side Effects: Headache today, but then again I had been drinking a little the night before. My appetite continues to remain low. Slight acne as well.

Feelings: Today was a pretty good day also. I havent been hungry, but thats not really effecting my mood anyway. Little B seems like he is sick today. We feed him through a tube (unless he wants to eat something by mouth) and his esophagus is wrapped into a one way valve so he cannot throw up. You can tell when he wants to though. He dry heaves and salivates a lot. Poor thing. He was doing this all morning and was pretty pale. He did not have a fever so I just watched him closely and gave him some Pedialite so he wouldnt get dehydrated. By the afternoon he looked much better and was well enough to want to go to grandmas house.

K and I have been thinking about trading in our car for something a little bigger so today we went car shopping without the boys. I like car shopping. It’s neat to see different cars and features and I’m also a pretty good negotiator. I like it when a car salesmen think just because I’m a girl I’m not going to be able to negotiate anything about a car. Anyway, we looked around at some nice ones but I had settled on one that was a certified preowned with a factory warranty. That seemed like the best deal. After the wheeling and dealing was over, I walked out on their final offer. I had given them mine and they wouldnt accept it so we left. I told them to call us when our offer sounded good to them. I’m not worried about it, there are other cars.

We picked up little E on the way home but little B wanted to stay the night. We told him he could,provided he didnt get any worse during the night and if he did, my mother was to call me. We went home and everyone got into bed.

Day done.

Day 46:

Side effects: Headache, or what I like to call, life. Appetite:No. Acne:Yes.

Feelings: Today was my Dads birthday so I had some things to do. The first thing though was I freaked out and started cleaning the house again. I dont know what it is but I CANNOT ignore a messy house. It makes me so angry. After that, me and litle E had some shopping to do. Unfortunately, little E decided to take a 4 hour nap. Which is fine but I didnt have much else to do. I did the dishes, and some laundry but that was really it. Then I layed around on the couch until he finally woke up. Then we went to the store. We got some things for the house,  some fruits and veggies and such. A sample lady gave little E some sautéed veggies and he went to town on those. I’m glad he likes veggies so much, saves me some trouble. I also got my Dad a really yummy looking chocolate cake. And a card. Not a sappy one though. Sappy makes me..highly uncomfortable. Anyway, my Dad wanted fried chicken and mashed potatoes and coleslaw so we had that. I got him a “? ” candle to go on top of his cake, he thought that was funny. We watched pop-up video and hung out. Then we needed to get the boys home because it was getting close to little E’s bed time and little B had a project to do. I told my Dad sorry that his present wasnt in yet (it’s coming though, I just dont know when! Stupid ground shipping) and we left. B finished up his project while K put little E to bed. I got mad at K for some reason that I cant remember now and I went to bed before him. I was laying in bed watching T.V. when I saw on the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. Wow. Although I am happy that this man got what he deserved, I’m scared that we just pissed off Al Qaeda. Like, really pissed them off. K and I talked about that for a little while but then he fell asleep while I stayed awake to watch President Obama address the issue and America.

So today was a good day for me. But, for some people it was a great day. The troops are rejoicing, as are the families of the 911 victims. As they should be. But of course, this also opens some old wounds for these families and for that, I’m sorry for them. Nothing can ever fix the pain they went through but I hope this victory has made a difference for them.  Even if it is a small one.

Day 47:

Side Effects: Headaches. But again, my day was ugh so it was probably from that. No appetite, acne lingers.

Feelings: My coworker called in today because her son is in the hospital (he has crohns disease) and our office manager as well as another girl was out this morning. So it was CRAZY. I was being pulled in 18 different directions and the worst part is I feel like my boss saw me as being frazzled but it truth, no one in the office does that many jobs at once. I cant handle EVERYTHING at the SAME time. That sucks that she thinks that, but oh well. When the office manager did come back, she asked how the week without her was. I told her about the AWESOME coworker and her attitude all week as well as her picking a fight with me over my pay. She wasnt too happy about that last one. Of course, there isnt going to be anything done about it because for some reason, we all walk on eggshells around her. Ugh. I grabbed some lunch but didnt eat it. 2 bites and I was done. Weird low appetite. I didnt even want any chocolate (gasp!)

Around noon, K called to tell me that the car dealership had called back with a counter offer and he told them what the bottom line was for us. Even though I had instructed him not to say ANYTHING (he isnt so good with negotiations) he did a good job telling them what we wanted. I finished out the day (complete with staying late) and went home to wrap things up. We called the dealership together and told them that we would accept their last offer provided that they fix some cosmetic things we noticed about the car. We are supposed to come in tomorrow to sign the papers.

The kids were driving me absolutely bonkers this evening, I yelled at them at least 3 times as well as K. Come to think of it, I have been swinging back and forth all day long. We also had to change out little B’s tube tonight. It requires deflating the balloon with a syringe and pulling it out of his stomach, inserting a new, lubricated tube and filling the new balloon with 5cc of distilled water. B cried because he was scared and it does hurt, but he actually handled it pretty well and is well deserving of a new toy. I’ll take him to pick one out soon.

Countdown to Psych/Therapist appointment: 1 day.

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Days 41 and 42

Day 41:

Side effects: Again, not sure if its a symptom but I am damn tired of these nightmares. They are vivid and sad. I’m sure you know by now that the acne fluctuates. Today, it has flared. Whoopie. The itching is starting to go away.

Feelings: I was right about the oncoming crash. The night before, I ended up on the floor. I felt like I had 100 pounds on top of me. I just didnt have the strength or the desire to get up. I fell asleep there and I’m not sure when my husband found me and lifted me into the bed.

Today, the rest of the physical manifestation of my crash came about. I had a headache at work in the morning that I ignored. I had work to do,I couldnt lay about with a headache. My coworker brought in a hurt dove a little while later and she brought it to my attention. Every in the office knows that I’m a sucker for animals. I know a lady near by that takes in injured wildlife so I did her a favor and took a lunch break to take the bird over to her. I drove back, and had a million things to do and everyone needing something from me. I had to skip lunch. And I hadnt had breakfast. Around 4 o clock, I was crashing. Crashing hard. After I got done with one client I thought I was going to pass out. The room was spinning, I was really hot and a little nauseous. I stopped and asked my coworker if we had anything to eat. She said she bought some cookies. I told her that I thought I was going to pass out and I was going to go and get one and sit down for a minute. I had been sitting a nd was about halfway through a cookie when my boss walked up and asked if I could trade places with the new girl now. It sounded like she was pissed that she had just found me sitting and eating a cookie instead of working. I told her I was eating it because my blood sugar was low. She said fine but it didnt sound like she meant it..which is great. So, I went and traded places with the new girl. I tried to focus on work but I couldnt. My hands shook, I was sweating, and I had tunnel vision. My headache was getting increasingly worse. I could tell it was now on its way to a full blown migraine. After I got to a stopping point, I told my boss that I was sorry, but I had to excuse myself. I left the room and went straight to the bathroom. I waiting for the vomit but it didnt come. I called K to come and get me and then I sat and tried to finish my cookie. I couldnt. I was past the point of eating to bring my blood sugar back up. It was making me want to vomit just looking at it. My eye felt like it was going to explode. Damn migraines. The whole time my REALLY AWESOME coworker is telling me that I needed to go home and “pep up” because they needed me tomorrow. I just felt like too much shit to strangle her. K came and picked me up and somehow, I made it home. I immediately went to the bedroom and layed down. K brought me a trash can and some pills. I couldnt take the pills and just layed there for a bit, fighting tears. I dozed off but woke quickly with a pain in my stomach. I hung off the side of the bed and vomited into the trash can. It sucked. K came in and gave me my toothbrush. When I was done, I took the pills. Then I slept. I woke about 3 hours later and felt better.

Over all, this day was horrible.

First moral of the story: No good deed goes unpunished.

Second moral: No trashcan without a liner in it goes without being hosed out when it is vomited in.

Day 42:

Side effects: Nightmares. Can this stop now? Is there anyway I could just not sleep? I’m tired of waking up in a cold sweat, reaching for K, clutching my chest and/or gasping for air. Acne is a little worse today, but I hear sweating and vomiting will do that to you. Still itching, its not so bad.

Feelings: Well, I thought for sure I would feel fine this morning but this was not the case. I didnt eat much this morning because just trying to put some cereal in my mouth was making me very nauseous. I had a few bites and then left for work. I was in some very long procedures all day and the dizziness was really killing me. The dizziness and the tunnel vision. I didnt put this under side effects because I think this is something that is just me and not the Lamictal. My other boss (I have 2) made me go and eat something before we started another procedure. (Good thinking) I snacked really quick on some chicken and then had to get back. The dizziness and tunnel vision persisted on and off. When it was all done, I grabbed a cookie and had that. I went home and my husband had made dinner. Despite not eating much again today and being dizzy, I wasnt hungry. I tried a few bites but then just couldnt. Right now, I’m getting dizzy and I’m just sitting down typing. My moods have been up and down today but mostly, down. Everything feels down. I feel exhausted. The coworker was awful again today but there really isnt anything I can do about her other than say things back to her when she is being rude to me. What? If I have to have thick skin then so does she.

Let’s all put on our rhino skins, shall we? No? Ok, I’m fine with that. I wouldnt want to if I were you either.

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Days 38,39 and 40

Sorry I did not post until today, with Easter and all I was wiped out.

Day 38:

Side effects: I was itchy again today but not so much as before. That’s good. I dont know if its a side effect or not, but I’ve been having nightmares again. It’s not listed as a side effect but I’m not one to have dreams a lot. I’m usually a hard sleeper.

Feelings: I got up and did a lot of shopping today. I think that I am having a manic episode. I have felt way too good this past week. It’s an above normal kind of good. Whats confusing is I still have down random moments, but other than that, I’m hyper and talkative and “happy”. I was just telling K that I’m waiting for the crash. Like drinking an energy drink and then crashing later. I’m sure this is coming to an end soon. Anyway, I shopped with my mom and we bought a lot of Easter basket things and dye for eggs. I also bought my sister a travel set for her daughter that she is having in August. Here’s something cool:the boys were great in the store. I mean, awesome. Considering that I forgot to put little B’s ADHD patch on today, he was surprisingly good. It’s all about the silver lining folks. We took the boys to Chik Fil a (sp?) to eat and it turned out they were having an Easter party. It was way cute and fun. They also got to meet the Chik fil a cow. E liked him and was fascinated. B did not want to hang out with him at all. He’s like that though. A couple of years ago he wanted his party at chuck e cheese but as soon as chuck e came out, he ran behind me and wouldnt say hi to him. He hates all mascots it seems. Oh well, I dont expect him to be his school mascot or get a job as a Disney character at Disney world.

Day 39: Happy Easter!

Side effects: Less itching today as well. Maybe it’s starting to go away. I’m still having nightmares. I dreamt last night that I went to get a tattoo and the guy wouldnt listen to me about what I wanted and kept tattooing perfume bottles filled with women and lipstick tubes filled with eyeballs. Things like that. it’s so weird.

Feelings: Today was stressful for a little while. Of course, Easter ended up being at my house. Joy. I meticulously cleaned the house and tried to get everything set up as best as possible. My mom and K usually dont let me cook anything ever since I tried to make mashed potatoes 2 years ago for Thanksgiving and it ended up looking like glue. I mean, I dont even know how that could have happened. Jeez. So on this day, all I did was put the Angel food cake on a cake stand. Fine with me. Little B and Little E loved their Easter baskets. E especially loved his Mr. Potato Head. There are parts everywhere. My mom Dad and little brother came over and me and K hid the easter eggs. The kids had dyed some real eggs too so those went out as well. I dyed some pretty awesome ones if I do say so myself. Maybe I’ll upload a picture later to prove it to you. We also got a pinata. What? They make Easter pinatas. Seriously. So what if it was just a regular pinata that they glued a disposable easter plate onto? It’s still an Easter Pinata. Kids cant tell the difference anyway. After all of that was done, everyone winded down, dispersed and went to bed.

I have to say, this Easter was a very good one. Although I did have to apologize to K for yelling at him a lot throughout the day. Anyway, I know why it was good though. This is the first holiday in a long time that I wasnt forced to be around my abuser. He’s in jail and far away from me and my family and thats a good feeling. No awkwardness, no guilt, no crying. It was great. I hope we have more holidays like that.

Day 40:

Side effects: About the same itching as yesterday but still not as bad as it was. Dizzy today,too. Last night, I had a nightmare that my husband was trying to work on something and some chemical splashed him in the face and blinded him. It also left him terribly scarred. Then, he was depressed all of the time because he thought I didnt love him anymore because of how he looked. It was sad. I also had more nightmares. It’s like I wake up from one, go back to sleep and then have another. It’s all night long. I’m exhausted everyday because I feel like I dont get any sleep.

Feelings: Today may be the day of the crash. I can feel it physically. I have had a headache all day long and I’m just all together slouchy and moving slowly. I did my job and everything, I just had to put a lot of effort into it. And the dizziness was quite annoying. Come to think of it, I wonder if thats where my headache came from. Maybe. I also got outed at work today. We were all going over some paper work when my boss walked up. I handed her my request for time off sheet and she said “Oh, whats this? Oh, a doctor’s appointment, okay.” Then, my coworker (who will now be refered to as Bitch in my head) said, “Yea, she has to go to her crazy appointment.” Awesome. My boss just looked confused and I said “Thanks for that.” It was a really awkward moment. I mean, who the hell thinks its okay to say that in front of everyone? She tried to make it seem like it wasnt a bad thing by going “There’s nothing wrong with it, you should schedule me to go with you.” But the damage was done and she was just making it worse. I think my hair was actually on fire. Luckily, it was close to 5 so I got to leave not 5 minutes later. I almost cried in the car on the way home but I held it in. Fuck her. I wasnt going to cry over her stupidity. Fuck her.

Has anyone else ever been “outed” ?

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