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Archive for April, 2011

Day 43:

Side effects: Recurrence of Acne. Little white heads today..ew. The itchy is here today, but its still not bad. I actually did NOT have a nightmare last night! Yay! I am not feeling so good today though. For the past few days I havent felt awesome. Headaches, dizziness and nausea are plaguing me. I dont think it’s the Lamictal, I think I’m just slightly sick.

Feelings: Today was a slow day at work so our boss was riding us to find something productive to do. Which is fine, she’s paying us all day. But I just really really didnt want to. She seemed to be in a bad mood do I tried to stay out-of-the-way. Usually, she likes my jokes. I try to make witty remarks to keep the mood up. But, she wasnt having it today. That sucks.

Also, the AWESOME coworker decided to pick a fight with me today about how much I make. Our office manager is out on vacation so she took over the position until she gets back. That means she does payroll. Which means she has seen my check. Great. She started out on this rant about how she should get a raise because of all of the work that she’s doing and “no offense” (why do people always say this before they say something effed up to you?)to me but she had been here 1 year and a 1/2 longer than me (in reality, 10 months) and she only makes 1 dollar an hour more than me. I told her that I do a lot of things that she doesnt do, I bust my ass and I came on with more experience whereas she had none. All she has is her stupid 10 months of seniority. Bitch. I am sooo telling on her when our office manager gets back. Or not, that will probably get her a freakin raise.

Overall, my mood was pretty much on the down/angry side. I was not a big fan of this day.

Day 44:

Side effects: No nightmares, woohoo! Small amount of acne, no itching (yay!) but headaches, dizziness and nausea. (wtf?) I’m actually freaking myself out over the possibility that I may be pregnant. I have the Mirena IUD, but I know a girl who got pregnant even with it. Apparently, most of the time if you do get pregnant on it, it’s a tubal pregnancy. So I’m freaked.

Feelings:  Today was very busy at work. Heh, my job is bipolar too. Anyway, I woke up in a horrible mood. I tried to keep myself positive but it wasnt working. After I got to work though, I forced myself to at least pretend to be normal. After a while, you get so busy you dont think about how shitty you feel. Which helps. I did get a chance to tell the AWESOME coworker to get off of her ass and come help out so that was fun.

Today was also my brother’s birthday. I had bought him a couple of things and I planned on giving those to him later. He is really the only sibling that I’m really close too. (I have four siblings) I am semi close to my sister, I love her, but my brother and I are very close in age and just have more things in common. Anyway, he asked me and K to go to a baseball game with him and his girlfriend. My mom actually volunteered to watch the boys so we could go. It was surprising. We said yes and went to go pick him up. He loved his presents and we had a fun ride up to the stadium. While we were standing in the line to buy tickets, this guy just walked up to us and asked if we wanted his extra tickets. We werent sure is he was a scalper or what so at first we were like no. But then he said he had like 10 of them and he really didnt need them so we accepted. It was really cool. And, they were GREAT seats. I mean, ground level down the first base line seats! What luck! We had a great time. I had one of those HUGE margaritas and we stayed after the game to watch the firework show. After that, we swung by the bar and had a birthday drink with my brother and then headed home. We got the rundown on how the boys did and then fell into bed.

Really, after the bad moods in the morning, the day really pepped up. I was happy today. Finally.

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Day 41:

Side effects: Again, not sure if its a symptom but I am damn tired of these nightmares. They are vivid and sad. I’m sure you know by now that the acne fluctuates. Today, it has flared. Whoopie. The itching is starting to go away.

Feelings: I was right about the oncoming crash. The night before, I ended up on the floor. I felt like I had 100 pounds on top of me. I just didnt have the strength or the desire to get up. I fell asleep there and I’m not sure when my husband found me and lifted me into the bed.

Today, the rest of the physical manifestation of my crash came about. I had a headache at work in the morning that I ignored. I had work to do,I couldnt lay about with a headache. My coworker brought in a hurt dove a little while later and she brought it to my attention. Every in the office knows that I’m a sucker for animals. I know a lady near by that takes in injured wildlife so I did her a favor and took a lunch break to take the bird over to her. I drove back, and had a million things to do and everyone needing something from me. I had to skip lunch. And I hadnt had breakfast. Around 4 o clock, I was crashing. Crashing hard. After I got done with one client I thought I was going to pass out. The room was spinning, I was really hot and a little nauseous. I stopped and asked my coworker if we had anything to eat. She said she bought some cookies. I told her that I thought I was going to pass out and I was going to go and get one and sit down for a minute. I had been sitting a nd was about halfway through a cookie when my boss walked up and asked if I could trade places with the new girl now. It sounded like she was pissed that she had just found me sitting and eating a cookie instead of working. I told her I was eating it because my blood sugar was low. She said fine but it didnt sound like she meant it..which is great. So, I went and traded places with the new girl. I tried to focus on work but I couldnt. My hands shook, I was sweating, and I had tunnel vision. My headache was getting increasingly worse. I could tell it was now on its way to a full blown migraine. After I got to a stopping point, I told my boss that I was sorry, but I had to excuse myself. I left the room and went straight to the bathroom. I waiting for the vomit but it didnt come. I called K to come and get me and then I sat and tried to finish my cookie. I couldnt. I was past the point of eating to bring my blood sugar back up. It was making me want to vomit just looking at it. My eye felt like it was going to explode. Damn migraines. The whole time my REALLY AWESOME coworker is telling me that I needed to go home and “pep up” because they needed me tomorrow. I just felt like too much shit to strangle her. K came and picked me up and somehow, I made it home. I immediately went to the bedroom and layed down. K brought me a trash can and some pills. I couldnt take the pills and just layed there for a bit, fighting tears. I dozed off but woke quickly with a pain in my stomach. I hung off the side of the bed and vomited into the trash can. It sucked. K came in and gave me my toothbrush. When I was done, I took the pills. Then I slept. I woke about 3 hours later and felt better.

Over all, this day was horrible.

First moral of the story: No good deed goes unpunished.

Second moral: No trashcan without a liner in it goes without being hosed out when it is vomited in.

Day 42:

Side effects: Nightmares. Can this stop now? Is there anyway I could just not sleep? I’m tired of waking up in a cold sweat, reaching for K, clutching my chest and/or gasping for air. Acne is a little worse today, but I hear sweating and vomiting will do that to you. Still itching, its not so bad.

Feelings: Well, I thought for sure I would feel fine this morning but this was not the case. I didnt eat much this morning because just trying to put some cereal in my mouth was making me very nauseous. I had a few bites and then left for work. I was in some very long procedures all day and the dizziness was really killing me. The dizziness and the tunnel vision. I didnt put this under side effects because I think this is something that is just me and not the Lamictal. My other boss (I have 2) made me go and eat something before we started another procedure. (Good thinking) I snacked really quick on some chicken and then had to get back. The dizziness and tunnel vision persisted on and off. When it was all done, I grabbed a cookie and had that. I went home and my husband had made dinner. Despite not eating much again today and being dizzy, I wasnt hungry. I tried a few bites but then just couldnt. Right now, I’m getting dizzy and I’m just sitting down typing. My moods have been up and down today but mostly, down. Everything feels down. I feel exhausted. The coworker was awful again today but there really isnt anything I can do about her other than say things back to her when she is being rude to me. What? If I have to have thick skin then so does she.

Let’s all put on our rhino skins, shall we? No? Ok, I’m fine with that. I wouldnt want to if I were you either.

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Sorry I did not post until today, with Easter and all I was wiped out.

Day 38:

Side effects: I was itchy again today but not so much as before. That’s good. I dont know if its a side effect or not, but I’ve been having nightmares again. It’s not listed as a side effect but I’m not one to have dreams a lot. I’m usually a hard sleeper.

Feelings: I got up and did a lot of shopping today. I think that I am having a manic episode. I have felt way too good this past week. It’s an above normal kind of good. Whats confusing is I still have down random moments, but other than that, I’m hyper and talkative and “happy”. I was just telling K that I’m waiting for the crash. Like drinking an energy drink and then crashing later. I’m sure this is coming to an end soon. Anyway, I shopped with my mom and we bought a lot of Easter basket things and dye for eggs. I also bought my sister a travel set for her daughter that she is having in August. Here’s something cool:the boys were great in the store. I mean, awesome. Considering that I forgot to put little B’s ADHD patch on today, he was surprisingly good. It’s all about the silver lining folks. We took the boys to Chik Fil a (sp?) to eat and it turned out they were having an Easter party. It was way cute and fun. They also got to meet the Chik fil a cow. E liked him and was fascinated. B did not want to hang out with him at all. He’s like that though. A couple of years ago he wanted his party at chuck e cheese but as soon as chuck e came out, he ran behind me and wouldnt say hi to him. He hates all mascots it seems. Oh well, I dont expect him to be his school mascot or get a job as a Disney character at Disney world.

Day 39: Happy Easter!

Side effects: Less itching today as well. Maybe it’s starting to go away. I’m still having nightmares. I dreamt last night that I went to get a tattoo and the guy wouldnt listen to me about what I wanted and kept tattooing perfume bottles filled with women and lipstick tubes filled with eyeballs. Things like that. it’s so weird.

Feelings: Today was stressful for a little while. Of course, Easter ended up being at my house. Joy. I meticulously cleaned the house and tried to get everything set up as best as possible. My mom and K usually dont let me cook anything ever since I tried to make mashed potatoes 2 years ago for Thanksgiving and it ended up looking like glue. I mean, I dont even know how that could have happened. Jeez. So on this day, all I did was put the Angel food cake on a cake stand. Fine with me. Little B and Little E loved their Easter baskets. E especially loved his Mr. Potato Head. There are parts everywhere. My mom Dad and little brother came over and me and K hid the easter eggs. The kids had dyed some real eggs too so those went out as well. I dyed some pretty awesome ones if I do say so myself. Maybe I’ll upload a picture later to prove it to you. We also got a pinata. What? They make Easter pinatas. Seriously. So what if it was just a regular pinata that they glued a disposable easter plate onto? It’s still an Easter Pinata. Kids cant tell the difference anyway. After all of that was done, everyone winded down, dispersed and went to bed.

I have to say, this Easter was a very good one. Although I did have to apologize to K for yelling at him a lot throughout the day. Anyway, I know why it was good though. This is the first holiday in a long time that I wasnt forced to be around my abuser. He’s in jail and far away from me and my family and thats a good feeling. No awkwardness, no guilt, no crying. It was great. I hope we have more holidays like that.

Day 40:

Side effects: About the same itching as yesterday but still not as bad as it was. Dizzy today,too. Last night, I had a nightmare that my husband was trying to work on something and some chemical splashed him in the face and blinded him. It also left him terribly scarred. Then, he was depressed all of the time because he thought I didnt love him anymore because of how he looked. It was sad. I also had more nightmares. It’s like I wake up from one, go back to sleep and then have another. It’s all night long. I’m exhausted everyday because I feel like I dont get any sleep.

Feelings: Today may be the day of the crash. I can feel it physically. I have had a headache all day long and I’m just all together slouchy and moving slowly. I did my job and everything, I just had to put a lot of effort into it. And the dizziness was quite annoying. Come to think of it, I wonder if thats where my headache came from. Maybe. I also got outed at work today. We were all going over some paper work when my boss walked up. I handed her my request for time off sheet and she said “Oh, whats this? Oh, a doctor’s appointment, okay.” Then, my coworker (who will now be refered to as Bitch in my head) said, “Yea, she has to go to her crazy appointment.” Awesome. My boss just looked confused and I said “Thanks for that.” It was a really awkward moment. I mean, who the hell thinks its okay to say that in front of everyone? She tried to make it seem like it wasnt a bad thing by going “There’s nothing wrong with it, you should schedule me to go with you.” But the damage was done and she was just making it worse. I think my hair was actually on fire. Luckily, it was close to 5 so I got to leave not 5 minutes later. I almost cried in the car on the way home but I held it in. Fuck her. I wasnt going to cry over her stupidity. Fuck her.

Has anyone else ever been “outed” ?

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Lamictal 200 mb tablets

Image via Wikipedia

Everyone, please welcome 200mg Lamictal. May it help me to not scream at my children, husband or dogs…so much.

Day 36:

Side effects: Itching a little more today. Still no rash. Just..itching. It’s still annoying. I still have some blemishes as well.

Feelings: I’ve been having some pretty vivid nightmares lately. It’s really weird. Every night I wake up in a panic from whatever dream I have been having. I don’t know where all of it is coming from, but it sucks. Especially when I wake up with them and my husband is already gone for work. He’s my security blanket. It doesn’t matter how mad I am at him that day, if I wake up scared, I’m grabbing for him. I hope they subside soon.

I’m going to be seeing a new therapist on May 4th. I’ll be blogging about that as well. I know I have some pretty serious issues to work out so I’m ready to try to tackle those. The first step is going to be the hardest: opening my mouth. Whenever I see a therapist, the action of opening my mouth and making a noise to talk is near impossible. I want to keep it all in. But I cant repress these things anymore. I’ll end up with a tumor in my brain like Louis from Family Guy. *I’m a tumor, I’m a tumor, Oh , Oh, Oh, Oooh,I’m a tumor* No seriously, I feel as though I’m doing irreparible damage to myself by holding it all in this long. I hope I will have the strength to speak.

*Note: OMFG. I got my Rx for the 200mg dose of Lamictal and is was $203.26!!! YeahOkNo. What’s the generic brand and how fast can I get that? The system is way fucked up. Sure, you can be healthy. As long as you’ve got the cash. Give me a break. (And don’t just break my wallet)

Day 37:

Side effects: Itching again today. It’s kind of bothering me that this isnt going away. I think I should call my doctor. Will do. I’m afraid to say this because I know it will come back once I do but, my acne is clearing up. *DUCK!* Whew..I was afraid my face would be hit with some flying pimples. Also, I know I’ve mentioned it but I’m not sure if it’s a side effect. I am still noticing a change in my appetite. I’m definitely not eating as much as I normally do.

Feelings: I forgot to mention it but yesterday and especially today I was super hyper again. Today i scrubbed the floors and chairs in my office. Floors. And Chairs. In my OFFICE. Right now, writing this, I’m jumping up and down on the inside. I don’t want to sit still. I want to get up and go do something. OR have a project. Or do some laundry. I woke up really early and started going. My kids weren’t even up yet but I was. That is really weird. I’m anticipating the crash. I did have one strange moment today when all of a sudden, I wanted to cry. I was just standing there listening to my coworkers talk and I just wanted to cry. It passed as soon as I made myself move and go do something, but still. Strange.

I’m dreading tomorrow. As a rule, Saturdays are my worst days. I’m alone with the boys and keeping the house clean or going anywhere with them is ridiculous. I want to get out of the house because I get really lonely but if we do go anywhere, they are insane little monkeys. Lose, lose. I still havent figured out exactly what we are doing for Easter so, I could always plan that and get supplies. But I’ll bet everyone else in my town is as much as a procrastinator as I am and the stores will be crawling with all of us bad mothers waiting until the last-minute to do something about Easter baskets. My mother wants to do it at her house,I think. I hope we do. I’m having a panic attack imagining the mess that will follow this shin-dig so I definitely don’t want to host it at my house.

What are you all doing for Easter?

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Day 34:

Side Effects: Do I really even need to say acne anymore? I miss breast tenderness. Still noticing some itching too. And, some blisters have come up on my hands. I’m not too worried because I did go all street fighter on those stupid plants in the backyard (finish him!) but I did not have these blisters after that happened. Hmm..perhaps they were latent blisters. Interesting.

Feelings: You know whats funny? I’m blogging about this day in the present, and I cannot recall most of the work day. This is so weird. Does Lamictal fuck with your memory? Anyway, what I do remember is the new girl got a stern talking to after she threw some attitude toward my co-worker. And we were really busy..and thats kind of it. How strange. When I got home, I was hyper again so I made some pretzels. You know, the big ones. Out of basically scratch. Wow. They were tasty though. Some of them were cinnamon sugar. Yeah, thats about all I got for this day. Again, interesting.

Day 35:

This is my last day on the starter pack (yay?!) tomorrow, I am supposed to start the 200mg dose…supposed to. I forgot to fill my Rx so hopefully I can get all of that done tomorrow.

Side effects: Itching again. Today, every time I took my gloves off I had what looked to be a heat rash. It always went away though. Concern? Not sure. Oh, and acne.

*Side note: I have heard that Lamictal does not affect your libido but I am noticing that we havent had sex in a while and I dont want to. When we go to bed, I dont even think about it. Weird.

*Double side note: I have been losing my appetite also. I dont know if this is the Lamictal or not but its just a comment.

Feelings: I woke up in a bad mood again and unfortunately carried it to work. It took me a little bit but I shrugged it off. Until I found out that when we are going out of town to take some courses in a couple of weeks, everyone else is bringing their significant other. Except me. Perfect. That’s all I need is to be the 13th (?) wheel. This majorly bummed me out for a while. Especially because when you’re having problems with your marriage, the last thing you want to see is a bunch of couples getting tipsy and feeling each other up all while making the goo-goo eyes. Ugh. After I pushed that out of my mind for the moment, I noticed the new girl was doing better today. Good for her. I hope she continues to progress and lose the attitude. I was really busy the rest of the day over on the new side of our office. There was MAJOR drama. Like, we had to call an ambulance drama. Then, I had to note everything for liability reasons. Fun, fun. I’m hyper again beginning around mid-day, bouncing around and doing a billion things. When I got home, I played with little E (B got in some serious trouble at school and was in his room, where he fell asleep at like 6)and then I noticed our dogs had some fleas and I freaked out. I bathed them both then spent the next hour picking fleas off of them. Seriously. One by one. My neck hurts. It was a VERY up and down day.

Well, here’s to getting through 5 weeks of titration! I am not seeing any change as of yet, but I am hopeful that it is coming soon. 200mg, here I come! Please have something better and awesome in store for me! I’d settle for a little less yelling.

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Day 32:

Side Effects: As previously reported, acne sucks. I had some dizziness today too, but not sure it was the Lamictal. I was out shopping for most of the day but I ate and everything so it wasnt my blood sugar. Maybe just all the running around.

Feelings: Question: Do Bipolar people know when they are manic? Or is it just something that you think is totally normal until you’re out of it or someone points it out to you? And also, Can you experience mania for part of the day or does mania last longer than that?

I ask because I was very hyper from the moment I woke up this morning. I was constantly looking for something to do. I couldn’t find much to do around the house so I got little E ready (B was at grandmas) and we went shopping. I spent about 300 dollars. I was super happy browsing the aisles and watching little E charm the pants off of some random fellow shoppers. Then we got something to eat and then came home. My husband came home not long after that and I convinced him that we NEEDED to go back to the store because I could not live without a chair that I saw there. So, off we went back to the store. I was on a shopping high and it was awesome. Back to the house to drop K off for a nap. (he had to get up and go to work at midnight) and myself and little E went to my parents house to watch a movie, eat dinner and pick up B.

That’s all out of character for me for the most part. I get in moods like that from time to time though. Moods were I clean the ever-living shit out of my house. Or spend way too much money. Or am a lot more sexually active. The thing is, yesterday I knew it was weird. But I just kept on going. Because it felt good. Or because I just didn’t feel like shit for once.

When I got the boys home, my mood instantly flipped. They were tired and fighting and I was yelling and frustrated. It woke my husband up and he came out to help. I was in a shitty mood from then until I went to bed.

Not quite sure what happened..

Day 33

Side Effects: Acne. It’s getting worse today I think. Small little annoying bumps. Stupid. I’m itchy today again too. Only where things are touching me though. Like my necklace, my wedding band, my bra. You get the idea.

Feelings: I woke up and was in a shitty mood. I can only assume it was shitty mood residue from the night before. I snapped at everyone and barked at my kids. Little E spilled milk all over me when I was already dressed for work so that was just perfect. When I had changed, I went off to work. I tried to force the bad mood out of my head so I wouldn’t bring it to work with me. It didn’t work for a little while but as the work day went on it got better. I was able to focus more on each task I was doing rather than why I was so pissy. I’m not even sure why I was so mad though, I just woke up like that. It’s like it was an angry hangover from my day of happy drunkenness. About halfway through the day my boss decided it was time to evaluate the new girl. She hasn’t been doing very well so this was pretty uncomfortable. We are going to keep her, we just need her to work on some things. Unfortunately for her, she did not take the constructive criticism very well and it just made my boss mad. So now, she’s dangling over the edge. I felt bad about the meeting but there wasnt really anything I could do about it. She needs to get better and do it fast. Without the attitude.

Anyway, I come home and I’m fine. I’m watching House and browsing craigslist for some baby gear for my sister and it just hits me. The crushing lethargy. I can feel my energy being sucked out of me and the sadness slither in. I can feel my face slide into a droop and my eyes start to water. I want to cry for no reason. I forced my self to get up and write this post to see if I could get myself out of it. I don’t think I can though. I think I’m going to go to bed.

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Day 30:

Side effects: My good pal acne is rearing its ugly white-head this morning. I hate this.

Feelings: It was a pretty fucked up day. Work was horrible. I just cant even talk about it. No, I didnt get fired or anything it was just really, really stressful. I pretty much freaked out on 2 of my higher ups but they deserved it. Great, I know. I didnt get home until 930. Little E was already in bed and little B was on his way. I felt like shit so I went to bed soon after. I layed there for a bit and zoned out with the t.v. It didnt take too long for me to give up and turn it off.

Stupid ass work day ruining everything.

Day 31:

Side effects: You know who’s a real pain in the ass? Acne McAcnerson. Yes, I named it.

Feelings: I woke up completely sore this morning. I dont know if I slept wrong or if it was work the day before but it sucked. I was not patient with my boys today either. They were tearing apart the house. My oldest son ran outside without asking me. I went to get him and he refused to come inside. I had to drag him in kicking and screaming. It was ridiculous. Then I had to chase our dog down the street because when I was trying to get him inside, she ran out. When I got back inside, I discovered that my son had went out the BACKDOOR and taken little E with him! They were in the backyard playing, but still. He cant do shit like that. I flipped out on him and sent him to his room. I went upstairs later and had a very serious talk with him about his attitude. He seemed to understand and things were going to get better. Yea, you know this. It didnt. I went and picked up my mom and tried to go to Target but the boys were acting insane. Of course. Little B kept running away so I had enough and went to put him in the basket. Cue the kicking and screaming again. I all but shoved him in that basket. He proceeded to stand up in the basket and continually scream at me that he wanted to get out of the basket. Little E was also tired so he wasnt being so great either. He ended up soaking his shirt in apple juice so I had to buy him a new one. I changed his shirt right there in the middle of the clothing department. I was about to rip my hair out, so I didnt give a shit who was looking at us. Something has to change. I cant NOT go to the freaking store. UGH.

Right now, I feel like hell. I know she said not to expect a change until that starter pack is finished but I dont have that long to go and I dont think this shit is working.

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