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Archive for the ‘Daily Journal of Side effects’ Category

It’s been a while..

Since May 2011 actually. How are you? I hope you are all well.

I wanted to pop in and say that I’m still here. I am no longer taking Lamictal though. I was very nearly hospitalized soon after my last post. It got to the point that I just couldn’t do anything anymore. I went to work one day and then went to my psychiatrist and told her I was feeling suicidal. While laying on a couch. That I had not been invited to lay down on. She put me on a stronger anti-depressant coupled with the Lamictal and let me go home only because we did not at the time own any guns. She upped my therapy to multiple times a week with emphasis on calling 911 if I didn’t show up. I went. I begrudgingly went and waded through the swamp.

It took what seemed like forever to get better. And honestly, it took until August of 2012 to be happy again. That’s when I quit my draining, horrible job and the draining people it came with. I started my own business. My marriage got better. My kids were doing great. Everything was awesome. I had weaned off of medication and I was doing fine without it.

Then came the next year and we hit some bumps…I went to my annual “lady” appointment and my gyno expressed great concern over my exam and did a biopsy right then. I had surgery shortly after to remove some suspicious areas from my cervix. It was cancer. But it was very early so removing it and then coming back frequently has been keeping me cancer free. I got off easy but it was still scary.

Then, E swallowed a penny and we had to take him to the emergency room. He had surgery the next morning to remove it. B was staying with my parents while we tried to get some sleep once we brought E home. The next morning, they called me screaming that there had been an accident. My Dad had gotten in his car and did not see B who was underneath it trying to get his ball. He backed out and drug B a few feet before he heard him screaming. The skin on B’s arm and back and shoulder was scraped up really badly. It looked like burns. He had broken his shoulder blade, collar bone and his elbow. He wore a cast and a sling and I had to change his bandages which was incredibly painful. It was a horrible time for us.

Recently, my business has been suffering. I’m trying to have hope but its dwindling. We are putting our house up for sale and moving about an hour away. There, I will try to get it up and running again but if it doesn’t work, I will have to go back to my previous field.

My depression has returned with bulging muscles that deliver heavy blows all over my body. With each new obstacle, a fresh fist of despair hits me. This time feels different. I feel like I do not want help. I feel bloody and beaten. Instead of looking up for the helping hand, I’m just keeping my head on the floor. I am not medicated and we DO own a gun now. K has hidden it because I have expressed the desire to use it.

The only thing that is stopping me from becoming more inventive in my suicidal efforts are my children. What outweighs my desire to end my life is the refusal to in turn end a part of theirs. I cannot inflict that kind of abuse on them.

I don’t know how, but I will pick my head up off of the floor. I will wearily stand and stumble to regain my balance. I will put my fist back up and stare at depression through swollen, black eyes. I will fight back.

Most likely, this will be a fight that returns again and again. I have come to realize that my depression is going to be a life long illness. I can only hope that the people around me don’t give up on me as I stop to get my ass kicked every once in a while.

Here’s hoping.

-B

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Day 61:

Side Effects: Low appetite. Acne is still getting better.

Feelings: After my night last night, this morning wasnt so great either. Work dragged on..and on..and on. We had a meeting about mid-day about how we were going to step up production. I was offering up some opinions but apparently they werent going to be considered so I just shut the hell up. At lunch, one of my coworkers friends brought everyone lunch. Which was weird. He is a guy and the first thought is that he must be into her but she said that all of her other friends think that he is gay. THINK. As in, they dont know. They just assumed. From this though, I am betting that he is straight. No one likes their friends enough to buy their whole office lunch. So, that was a nice surprise. After that, I went to the big meeting at B’s school for him. We basically just agreed on everything we talked about a few days before and that was that.

I went back to work and started cranking it out again. *Note: normally I try to keep my occupation anonymous as well but I feel as though it is relative to the journal so forget you are reading this! I was hustling around and working on this one patient when I noticed something weird. I was sitting there working when smoke started billowing out of their mouth. I knew this was crazy and couldnt be happening. I tried to refocus my eyes 3 times and make it go away but it didnt. Finally when it did, all I could think was “I’m fucking crazy.” That’s it. Put me in a straight jacket, throw me in the padded room and bury the key. It didnt happen again at work so I just tried to wrap everything up and go home.

When I got home, K had made spaghetti. The kids love spaghetti. Everyone ate and then went on to play and them go to bed. I stayed up to try and watch 16 and pregnant but I just ended up feeling down again. I started to cry so I went to bed. K held me for a while before I decided that I needed to brush my teeth and turn out the light. When I went to get into bed, I saw a black bug. I immediately whipped the comforter away and started looking for it. K started looking too and asked me what I was looking for. I said a bug. A black bug. It was round and right…here. My comforter is white and my sheets are light green. I would have seen the bug once I started looking for it. But it wasnt there or anywhere around. There was no bug. Awesome. My therapist and I have a lot to talk about tomorrow.

Therapy day

Day 62:

Side Effects: Low appetite. Acne is flaring up some today. Bad headaches too.

Feelings: I woke up in a bad mood. Probably because I didnt have a good day yesterday and today is a therapist day. I sent B off to school and was trying to escape out of the door without E seeing me when my roommate told me that E hit her in the forehead with a battery yesterday. All I could do was laugh. She probably deserved it so I’m certainly not going to get E in trouble for it. He’s 18 months! What am I going to say to him? “Hey listen, I know you dont understand me and all but you’ve really got to watch out for what sort of things you’re throwing at people, okay? Maybe throw a stuffed animal at her next time, Mkay?” He’s a baby, he has no concept of punishment after the fact. Jeez.

At work, I knew I didnt feel good from the moment I walked in. I felt feverish and just blah. I was going to try to make it through the day though because we had a lot of clients and not a whole lot of time or staff members. I had blocked myself out for lunch so I could go to my noon appointment with my therapist. I was getting a guilt trip about that all day but I didnt care. I’m not going to further compromise my mental health for this job. I just wont. I left to make it to my appointment and got there on time. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. (see my last very short post) Finally, my therapist came out to get me. Her last patient ran over her time. Anway, I told her right off of the bat that I had to watch the time because I had to get back to work. We started to talk about work then. I gave her the update of the usual bull and then we moved onto to talk about what area I could find in my life to let go of so that I dont go over the edge. I told her there’s nothing. Everything is a priority. She suggested I take some time off of work. I told her I would get fired if I did that. She said that was illegal. I said there are ways around that. She said if I wanted, she and my psych could get me some time off. Great. Thats all I need is for them to call my boss and declare that I am insane and so I need time off from work. Awesome. No thanks. I told her that the area that is suffering right now is my marriage. I just dont have the energy to fight. I have my blinders on and my head down. Right now, it’s going to stay that way because I just do not have the brain capacity to do it. Blah. I told her about my suicidal thoughts. She asked if I had a gun, I said no. She said the next time, call her. She didnt care what time. I said ok. She said “You know what it’s about, dont you?” I said no, what? She said “It’s about escape.” She thinks that I am so stressed out right now that I am having thoughts of suicide because I want out. And I do. I really do. She says that I have to give something up or I’m going to break. I tell her that I feel like that all of the time. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge all of the time. And I’m about to go over it. I tell her that I’m still crying for no reason as well. She asks if my pysch has put me on an antidepressant as well. Ah, ha! I tell her that I was told that it was an antidepressant as well as a mood stabilizer so which is which? She said it’s a mood stabilizer and she thinks that I need an antidepressant as well. Son of a bitch. I could have told her that. She says that somethings needs to change because I cant keep going like this. Work is stressful with no end in sight. B’s health in stressful with no end in sight as well. I tell her that my friend and her kids are going to be moving out. She said that’s good but she doesnt think it will help that much for me. They are an issue but I had problems way before that. I tell her i’m seeing things that arent there lately. She asks like what. I say I saw smoke coming out of someones mouth yesterday and then a big black bug in my bed. Both times I knew it was crazy and I shouldnt be seeing it, but I was. She said that IS weird. She says she doesnt think that it is a side effect of the Lamictal. She thinks that I am so stretched out that the hallucinations are my minds way of showing desperation. She says I am not crazy. That makes me feel better. I tell her that I told my psych about having nightmares almost every night but she seemed to dismiss them because it doesnt sound like a side effect of the medicine. She says that she doesnt understand that and that next time we get together, she will interpret some of my nightmares for me and we will look at that. It should be interesting.

I went back to work and finished out my day. I had a massive headache all through it. When I get home, I went to rest on the couch for a bit and then B came in the door with K. B was crying. K said that he saw a neighbor girl picking on him and pushing him down. I grabbed B and went outside. I walked over to the little girl and demanded to know what happened. She said he pinched her. I asked why. She said she didnt know. I said he wouldnt pinch you for no reason. B said she took his boot and hit him with it. Z (the little girl who lives with me) told me that was true. She took his boot and hit him and then he pinched her so she pushed him down and started hitting him with a rolled up newspaper. This is when K saw her and yelled at her to stop and get away from B. I told her that I better not ever see her fighting with him again. The next time I will go and find her mother. Little brat.

My head hurts.

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Here I am waiting at the therapist office..and waiting. I left work early to be here on time and now I haven’t even gone back yet. Frustrating.

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Day 58:

Side Effects: Low appetite. Acne is still getting better. Good.

Feelings: I was up and down today.

The ups: I went and got pedicures with my mom and sister. My toes look nice and I had a glass of wine. I felt my sisters baby kick. We went to the mall and I got new Bare Minerals. I found a nice pair of pants. Now, I have 2 pairs that I can fit into. E got some Vans. K got some work clothes and B got a necklace and I am eyeing a pair of Vans for him for his birthday. We had some pizza. B spent the night with my niece. K fell asleep and I stayed up and watched How to Train Your Dragon and Easy A. Both are excellent.

The Downs: I tried to make myself eat a lot today and I ended up feeling sick. B was rebelling today and sticking his tongue out at me and talking back. I was extremely frustrated. I stalked away from K in the mall because he was pissing me off being a slow shopper while E was freaking out and having a tantrum. I had to try on 3 pairs of jeans before I found one to fit me. I tried on 5 pairs of shorts and none of them fit me. It was depressing. K was mad at me because I wasnt quite ready to leave my parents house to go home. I wanted to visit my sister some more. When we got home, K fell asleep and I stayed up to watch How to Train your Dragon and Easy A. Neither are equivalent to a conversation with my husband.

Day 59:

Side Effects: Low appetite. Acne continues to get better.

Feelings: E and I got up and went over to my parents in the morning. B was up with my dad and my mom and sister werent there. They came back a little while later though. I was frustrated because basically, we just sat around and did nothing the whole day. How annoying. If I wanted to do that, I would stay at home in my PJ’s. My sister eventually left to start the trip back home. Then my mother decided she wanted to go shopping. B wanted to stay with my Dad so we took E. While we were looking for some home goods at T.J. Max my mother decided that was the time to declare how proud she was of me and how I’ve grown and made something of myself and she doesnt know what has happened with my brothers. I just said “aw..thanks.” and gave her a shoulder punch. She gave me a hug. I was uncomfortable and told her thanks for the awkward T.J. Max compliments and hug. She laughed. I wondered what she had been snorting. See. I dont like touching. Even from my mother. Hugs and what not freak me out. Anyone else? No? Just me? Whatever. It’s not so much the hug. It was the weird complimenting. She never says shit like that. It felt like b.s. Like she was on some sort of high from the family weekend. Me and my sister and little brother get a long very well so I guess that was like Christmas for her to have us all together and around her. I guess I’ll let her have that one. But without the hugging.

K had to go to work at 12am so I took the boys home and got everyone fed and ready for bed. I was going that way myself when K woke up. I was brushing my teeth when he got out of the shower and after that, things started to happen. Sometimes, I can be going along just fine with the foreplay and what not and then it will hit me. A flashback. A split second of horror. Triggered by god knows what. A position, similar touch, a smell maybe even the lighting. I dont know. But sometimes it happens. And when it does, it sucks really really bad. I told K I wanted to stop and we did. He layed with me for a while before he had to go to work. I turned on the t.v. and watched 16 and pregnant. I fell asleep to the sound of a 16 year old in labor and slipped into nightmares. Nightmares based off of memories. I woke a few times drenched in sweat, reaching for K. And he wasn’t there. I didn’t have a good night.

Day 60:

Side Effects: Low appetite. Little to no acne. Some nausea and dizziness today.

Feelings: I was not ready for Monday. I had to drag myself out of bed and I felt like I was still sleeping while getting myself and the boys up and going this morning. When I got to work, I pulled it together and pepped it up for the day. It was going pretty well for the most part. Unfortunately, they are debating firing the new girl still. and now we have to do some random Power Point presentations about our courses we took when we were out of town. Great. I was hungover or still a little drunk during those. I hope I took some legible notes. The mobile car wash guy came and washed our cars today. I love him. It’s such a good idea for a business venture. I just dont have the darn time to go and wash my car and clean it out and he does a really good job. We got a really cute new client with a british accent today that all of the girls were swooning over. The clients, the staff, everyone. I just rolled my eyes at them as they made humping motions from behind a wall where the client couldnt see them. It was pretty funny. Tomorrow, I’m letting my coworker work with him because shes single and she basically demanded that we switch. I’m fine with that.

I get home and play a game of cards with B and the girls. K makes supper. House comes on and we move to the living room. We have to tell the kids 4 times to go to the playroom while we try to watch it. The show ends and I’m sitting on the couch when I feel my head go numb. Then my body. I slip from a sitting position to just falling over on my side and laying down. The kids wont leave me alone. I come over to the computer and lay my head down on the desk. I can feel my eyes constantly welling up with tears. I start thinking about ways to die. If only I had a gun, I thought. I made myself turn on the computer and type this post. It’s the only thing keeping me from lying down and not moving or sleeping for a while. I feel so lifeless. Every move feels like it’s being made by strings. Like I’m a puppet. Made to jump and dance during the day to entertain others. But at night, I’m limp and useless. I dont want to keep going anymore. Not tonight.

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Therapy Day

Day 56:

Side Effects: Acne. Low appetite continues.

Feelings: I had a 7:15 appointment with my therapist today. Thats 7:15 A.M. I was not sure I would want to talk about anything other than sleep this early. I was a little late. (because it was 7:15!) She asked me what was on my mind this morning. I said sleep. She laughed. She said her too. I didnt know how to start so she did. She asked me if I was on the way to work. I said yes. She asked me if I liked my job. I said most of the time. She asked me what I meant by that. I said that I like it but there is a coworker who is pretty out there and never gets in trouble for the way she talks to people. She asked for an example. I said that I was in a bad mood one day and she came to the back and asked me what the fuck my problem was. Her eyes widened and she said “Wow.” I said, “Yeah, it gets better.” This prompted my other coworker to say something to our boss who finally held a meeting but all we got out of it was that the rest of us need to have thicker skins. She gave a sarcastic laugh and told me that sort of thing is called verbal harassment and I could file a grievance. I said yeah, if I wanted to lose my job. She said maybe but did I want to work in an environment like that anyway? I dont know. Was all I could say. She said it speaks a lot to my boss also that she never gets into trouble. It says that she wants things controlled no matter how it gets done. I agreed. I tell her that this person will be over me once our office manager leaves to have her baby. And I dont think she is coming back. I also tell her that I have taken on a lot of responsibility at work and it requires stress and a lot of long hours.

She ask how it was going with my mother. I tell her that she is still trying to force a relationship between me and my brother even though he is in jail and I dont give a shit. I tell her that it has been like that since I told my mother. I would go to family functions or to take B to visit her and he would be there. Saying Hi like everything is fine and trying kiss me or hug me. I wanted to vomit and stab him everytime. Sick bastard. I would push him away from me in disgust. She never gave me a warning about him being there so I stopped coming over or going to any family thing. Now that he is in jail she starts off every sentence with “I know you dont care, but” When she about to talk about him. “you’re right.” I would tell her. “I dont care, so dont tell me.” It pisses her off, but I dont care. If she wants to hurt my feeling then I will hurt hers without blinking an eye. My therapist rolls her eyes and says that it is a shame that my mother doesnt support me. I tell her that it doesnt make since because she was abused when she was younger. My grandmother didnt support her. So wouldnt she want to support me because she experienced how much that hurt first hand? Or maybe she is just bitter. We’d get back to that another day.

We switched gears then to my marriage. I told her that I feel as though I have been tuning my marriage problems out right now because I’m so stressed at work and with B’s health. Not to mention the other 3 kids in our house. She asked about B. I told her B was a 24 week baby and he was 1 pound 4 ounces. He suffers from complications of being a preemie as well as Cornelia De Lange syndrome. He is very small but has lost some weight recently and thats not good. He is being tested and poked so much lately that it’s criminal. They are 80% sure he has Celiac Disease. We are trying to figure out why he dry heaves so much. Oh, and he dry heaves because his esophagus is wrapped into a one way valve ( a surgeon did this when they placed his tube. He had aspirated into his lungs.) and he cannot throw up but we dry heaves like he wants to. The finger is pointing at Celiac Disease right now. I also tell her that B is being switched into STRIVE next year. She asked what that was and I explained in to her. I told her i’m tired of him coming home and telling me that school is hard and that he is stupid. I started to cry about here. She asked if there was anyway to know if he would progress normally. I said I dont know. We have talked about things. Asked questions that have no answers right now: Will he live with us his whole life? Will he ever get married? Have kids? Have a job? Drive a car? Tie his shoes?She asked if K was helpful. I said he feeds him with his tube, sometimes bathes him and gets him dressed. But he does not take him to doctors appointments or talk to doctors. He is hardly involved in this at all. It is hurtful. It’s like B is my child and E is his. B and K used to be closer. They used to be buddies. But then, K left us about 3 years ago. B was very hurt but I’m sure K thought he was too young to remember. He was not. And I dont think he has ever gotten over it. She asked me about home life.(I’m sure to save me from crying) I told her that we also have a friend that is staying with us and her 2 daughters but she does not help out around the house and does not babysit E up to my standards. She asked how. I said she takes him places and I never know that he went there until it is casually mentions or her daughter tells me. She rolls her eyes. I agree.

She looked over everything and her eyes widened at the overwhelming amount of information on the paper she was making notes on. “How do you do all of this?” she asks. I thought for a minute. “I don’t know anymore.” And I really dont. I’m at my limit. I’m spread much too thin and I dont know what I could possibly delegate. Everything is a priority. I’m about to break.

The rest of the day was fine. Up until it was time to go to bed and I had a minor crazy moment/freak out. I’m sure it was an effect of having to talk about things I wasnt comfortable with today. But I’m sure K doesnt like to be shoved out of the bed and watch as I try to pull my hair out. I’m losing it.

Day 57:

Side Effects: The acne is getting better. I have been washing with the purifying cleanser every night. Low appetite is still there and like I said, I’m not complaining too much.

Feelings: Today was fine at work. It was a long day but just because we were ready for the weekend. The girls gave me a hard time about not eating. They think I’m on a diet but really, I’m just not hungry. After work I got home and found out from K, who found out from my mother, who found out from our house guest, that she took E to the beach today. My hair lit I fire I think. I asked K to check for smoke. He said he could see some. Who takes someone else’s baby to the beach without asking? What if she wasnt watching him and he got hurt or worse? Did she even put lotion on him? She did but what she does not know about white babies (because she did not ask ) was that their scalps get sunburned and he needed to wear a hat. And his scalp is sunburned. I texted her because I knew she was at work and told her to not take E to the beach without asking us again. She texted back and said she was sorry, she didnt think I would mind. That’s silly. Of course I would mind. Would she let someone take her baby to the beach? Maybe she would. Our parenting style differ. Ugh.

My sister came into town to visit today. She is 6 months pregnant and has a 6 year old. Who almost comes up to my shoulder. I am not effing kidding. She is tall. I’m almost 5’2 and I know thats short but, damn. Anyway, E had a good time playing with her. B was at a Relay for Life with my mom. When he got home, he showed me his t shirt he got for doing 2 laps around the track. I joked with him that he didnt need the excercise at all because he was going to lose even more weight. I also chided my mother for keeping him out so late. It was 10 at night. My sister and I were looking at cakes for her baby shower. She asked me to make her one and I said yes. I’m pretty good at making fondant cakes. I’ll post a picture when the time rolls around.

The night was better than the afternoon, I must say. Stupid room mate.

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Day 54:

Side effects: ACNE. It’s getting worse. I have to do something about this. My coworker told me that the new girl uses ProActive. Which, not to be mean but, maybe it doesnt work that great. Nightmares and headaches continue. I have not started the 300 mg dose yet. I’m not sure why, maybe I’m just too lazy to cut the pills in half. Or maybe I’m too scared that the side effects will get worse. Either way, I havent started it.

Feelings: Moody today. Very up and down. I had a meeting this morning with B’s teachers and they want to go ahead and move him to Second grade but he will only be with the second graders for specialty classes. All of his core classes will be in the STRIVE class. They will work with him on his level (which right now is kindergarten) until he is ready to move on to something bigger, at his own pace. I think this is a good idea because his self esteem is what is the most important to me. I am tired of my baby coming home telling me that he hates school and that he is stupid. For one thing, who is calling him stupid? He doesnt say things like that. I know you other Moms know what I’m talking about when I say that I want to find the kid who was an ass to your kid and kick them in their shins. Little bastards. Sorry, I HATE to think of him being picked on when he is trying the best that he can. UGH..makes me so angry.

I got a call and landed a big client and was jumping up and down (literally) with joy. I spent most of the day trying to coordinate around him. But I was fine with that. Then I went to angry. We had a meeting and it seemed as though the only opinion that mattered during that meeting was the AWESOME coworkers opinion. Which was BS. Our office manager is leaving soon and she is going to be stepping up and taking her place until she gets back. I would love to do it but, she has the (10 month) seniority. Do I think she can do the job? Yes. Do I think she will do it with class? No. Do I think this will only make her head swell more? YES.

After work, I got happy again and wanted to go shopping. Me, K, B and E went to Target to pick up some things for the house. I got some purifying cleanser for my face (which will hopefully help) as well as some organic bronzer. I need to pick up some more Bare Minerals as well. I have some, but I was much more tan when I bought it and now, I’m pasty. So I need some pasty Bare Minerals. Do they make a shade named that? They should. I also bought some big fluffy towels. Because I wanted to.

And then to sad. When I try to think of my marriage, a wall goes up. It’s like I’m blocking out all of those feelings because I just dont want to deal with them right now. I’m so focused on being “happy” and better that I think I’m ignoring things I should be dealing with. I feel like I’m sticking my fingers in my ears and going “lalalalalalalalala” to all of my problems. The upside is that I think I’m tricking myself into thinking I’m better and so I feel better. The down side is that I’m going to develop a repression tumor. Whats so bad about the repression anyway? Isnt that what everyone does? Stuff down all of those things that are bothering you because its not appropriate or looked down on? No? Just me? Well, I was raised effed up. I dont even think I can talk to K right now because I just dont know what to say. There’s too much to say. I cant even process how to let it come out.

I sound crazy.

Day 55:

Side effects: Acne at its worst. I tried to cover it up today but I could feel the heat as everyone I came into contact with stared at it. Kill me. Low appetite, a few chips and a cookie for lunch. Headaches..

Feelings: As soon as I got to work today I learned that our office manager was having contractions the night before and is at home on bedrest. My boss has a feeling that she is going to stay on bedrest so we need to start working like she isnt coming back for a while. I dont think she is coming back at all. If not, we really need to hire an extra person even though my boss doesnt want to. It will be insanity if not. So of course, guess whose head grew 8 sizes today? Thats right, Awesome coworker. While me and the new girl tried to keep things going during the day, I could hear her doing nothing and talking and laughing. When I got a break I let her know that there are things that could be done while she was just sitting there. I didnt wait around for an answer. I just went to back to work. I’m not going to be able to deal with things like that if she is going to be our office manager. She needs to be competent, proactive and organized. I’m not too impressed by what I see right now. But, it’s not up to me. We held another meeting today about things we could improve upon and it only made me more mad. Awesome coworker would just switch out a few words from the sentence our boss just said and repeat it back to her and my boss just ate it up. WTF? Does she not notice this BS? I have got to learn how to not let these things get to me. Woosa and all of that. Whatever. Upside is that the mobile car wash guy came by the office today and I finally got his phone number so he could come and wash my car next week. Score.

When I got out of work today, I called my mom. She had taken B to the doctor today for me because I could not get off of work to take him. He just needs an adjustment with his ADHD meds. She said that they adjusted it but the doctor was concerned about his weight. B was 37 pounds (he is very tiny) B is now 33 pounds. That is a huge weight loss for someone who is already so tiny. He is small, he has Cornelia De Lange Syndrome. And he was born as a micropremie so there’s that too. But to lose that much weight is strange. He is tube fed so she uped his feeds by one more a day. I hope he gets his weight back up because we are all concerned at this point.

Therapist appointment tomorrow at 7:15 a.m. Woot..thats the only time I can do with work. Woot…

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Happy Mother’s Day!

Side Effects: Some acne, low appetite and nightmares. Whether its a nightmare or not, there is always dreaming. I cant remember the last time I had a dreamless sleep.

Feelings: I discovered today that I am losing weight. Not a bad thing and Happy Mothers day to me. About 3 pounds. Must be all of this low appetite stuff. Oh well. I likey.

The boys had made me a card that was very cute. E immediately took it away from me though and claimed it as his own. I enjoyed it while it lasted. I unwrapped their gift to me, some lovely perfume, and we had some breakfast. Later in the morning, E took a nap and we tidied up the house a bit. When he woke up, we went to my mother’s house to have lunch. We hung out for a while and had fajitas. My Dad and I opened a bottle of wine. (we are the only ones who drink it) My mothers present was not in yet so I apologized to her. My Dad’s birthday present wasn’t in yet either. This was really frustrating. I ordered 2 other things online and they came way sooner than their presents. Just for the record, I got them each a scentsy warmer and 3 scents a piece. My Dad especially is anal about the way their house smells so I thought it would be nice. We said goodbye later in the evening and we all went home. The boys went down and we prepped for Monday. Ugh..how I hate Mondays.

How was everyone else’s Mother’s Day?

Day 53:

Side effects: The acne has really kicked it up a notch. I dont think I’ve ever had acne this bad in my life. It’s so gross. Low appetite continues, as do headaches. But again, those are probably from not eating.

Feelings: I hate Mondays. Have I mentioned that? Today was okay. No big problems at work. We all basically talked about the trip and how much fun we had. No one was ready to get back into the groove of working. Everyone was also talking, but mostly laughing, at my sleepwalking. It is funny, I would have laughed if I saw anyone of them doing it. I had a lot of phone calls to make and things to juggle today so that was that only bigger obstacle I had. When I got home, my presents I ordered for my mom and dad were there. I put them in some gift bags and took the kids over to there house to give them to them. They loved them and picked their scents they wanted to try right away. I’m always glad when I know I’ve given someone a good gift. I’m like “Yea, they will really use that and enjoy it.” As opposed to, “Uh, I couldnt think of anything so…here.” We went back home and the kids had some supper. I went to brush B’s teeth and noticed his permanent molars were cutting through in the back. I am interested in this because he has not lost any teeth at all yet. He will be 7 in June and none are gone. Is that normal? Anyway, I also found out today that E knows where his teeth are. If you ask him, he will point to them. Smart boy.

I havent given much thought to my marriage lately. Is that bad? I have been just kind of going through the motions. I try not to stir anything up and thats about it. Flying under the radar, if you will. More on this later.

Come on, Tuesday!

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