Day 61:
Side Effects: Low appetite. Acne is still getting better.
Feelings: After my night last night, this morning wasnt so great either. Work dragged on..and on..and on. We had a meeting about mid-day about how we were going to step up production. I was offering up some opinions but apparently they werent going to be considered so I just shut the hell up. At lunch, one of my coworkers friends brought everyone lunch. Which was weird. He is a guy and the first thought is that he must be into her but she said that all of her other friends think that he is gay. THINK. As in, they dont know. They just assumed. From this though, I am betting that he is straight. No one likes their friends enough to buy their whole office lunch. So, that was a nice surprise. After that, I went to the big meeting at B’s school for him. We basically just agreed on everything we talked about a few days before and that was that.
I went back to work and started cranking it out again. *Note: normally I try to keep my occupation anonymous as well but I feel as though it is relative to the journal so forget you are reading this! I was hustling around and working on this one patient when I noticed something weird. I was sitting there working when smoke started billowing out of their mouth. I knew this was crazy and couldnt be happening. I tried to refocus my eyes 3 times and make it go away but it didnt. Finally when it did, all I could think was “I’m fucking crazy.” That’s it. Put me in a straight jacket, throw me in the padded room and bury the key. It didnt happen again at work so I just tried to wrap everything up and go home.
When I got home, K had made spaghetti. The kids love spaghetti. Everyone ate and then went on to play and them go to bed. I stayed up to try and watch 16 and pregnant but I just ended up feeling down again. I started to cry so I went to bed. K held me for a while before I decided that I needed to brush my teeth and turn out the light. When I went to get into bed, I saw a black bug. I immediately whipped the comforter away and started looking for it. K started looking too and asked me what I was looking for. I said a bug. A black bug. It was round and right…here. My comforter is white and my sheets are light green. I would have seen the bug once I started looking for it. But it wasnt there or anywhere around. There was no bug. Awesome. My therapist and I have a lot to talk about tomorrow.
Therapy day
Day 62:
Side Effects: Low appetite. Acne is flaring up some today. Bad headaches too.
Feelings: I woke up in a bad mood. Probably because I didnt have a good day yesterday and today is a therapist day. I sent B off to school and was trying to escape out of the door without E seeing me when my roommate told me that E hit her in the forehead with a battery yesterday. All I could do was laugh. She probably deserved it so I’m certainly not going to get E in trouble for it. He’s 18 months! What am I going to say to him? “Hey listen, I know you dont understand me and all but you’ve really got to watch out for what sort of things you’re throwing at people, okay? Maybe throw a stuffed animal at her next time, Mkay?” He’s a baby, he has no concept of punishment after the fact. Jeez.
At work, I knew I didnt feel good from the moment I walked in. I felt feverish and just blah. I was going to try to make it through the day though because we had a lot of clients and not a whole lot of time or staff members. I had blocked myself out for lunch so I could go to my noon appointment with my therapist. I was getting a guilt trip about that all day but I didnt care. I’m not going to further compromise my mental health for this job. I just wont. I left to make it to my appointment and got there on time. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. (see my last very short post) Finally, my therapist came out to get me. Her last patient ran over her time. Anway, I told her right off of the bat that I had to watch the time because I had to get back to work. We started to talk about work then. I gave her the update of the usual bull and then we moved onto to talk about what area I could find in my life to let go of so that I dont go over the edge. I told her there’s nothing. Everything is a priority. She suggested I take some time off of work. I told her I would get fired if I did that. She said that was illegal. I said there are ways around that. She said if I wanted, she and my psych could get me some time off. Great. Thats all I need is for them to call my boss and declare that I am insane and so I need time off from work. Awesome. No thanks. I told her that the area that is suffering right now is my marriage. I just dont have the energy to fight. I have my blinders on and my head down. Right now, it’s going to stay that way because I just do not have the brain capacity to do it. Blah. I told her about my suicidal thoughts. She asked if I had a gun, I said no. She said the next time, call her. She didnt care what time. I said ok. She said “You know what it’s about, dont you?” I said no, what? She said “It’s about escape.” She thinks that I am so stressed out right now that I am having thoughts of suicide because I want out. And I do. I really do. She says that I have to give something up or I’m going to break. I tell her that I feel like that all of the time. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge all of the time. And I’m about to go over it. I tell her that I’m still crying for no reason as well. She asks if my pysch has put me on an antidepressant as well. Ah, ha! I tell her that I was told that it was an antidepressant as well as a mood stabilizer so which is which? She said it’s a mood stabilizer and she thinks that I need an antidepressant as well. Son of a bitch. I could have told her that. She says that somethings needs to change because I cant keep going like this. Work is stressful with no end in sight. B’s health in stressful with no end in sight as well. I tell her that my friend and her kids are going to be moving out. She said that’s good but she doesnt think it will help that much for me. They are an issue but I had problems way before that. I tell her i’m seeing things that arent there lately. She asks like what. I say I saw smoke coming out of someones mouth yesterday and then a big black bug in my bed. Both times I knew it was crazy and I shouldnt be seeing it, but I was. She said that IS weird. She says she doesnt think that it is a side effect of the Lamictal. She thinks that I am so stretched out that the hallucinations are my minds way of showing desperation. She says I am not crazy. That makes me feel better. I tell her that I told my psych about having nightmares almost every night but she seemed to dismiss them because it doesnt sound like a side effect of the medicine. She says that she doesnt understand that and that next time we get together, she will interpret some of my nightmares for me and we will look at that. It should be interesting.
I went back to work and finished out my day. I had a massive headache all through it. When I get home, I went to rest on the couch for a bit and then B came in the door with K. B was crying. K said that he saw a neighbor girl picking on him and pushing him down. I grabbed B and went outside. I walked over to the little girl and demanded to know what happened. She said he pinched her. I asked why. She said she didnt know. I said he wouldnt pinch you for no reason. B said she took his boot and hit him with it. Z (the little girl who lives with me) told me that was true. She took his boot and hit him and then he pinched her so she pushed him down and started hitting him with a rolled up newspaper. This is when K saw her and yelled at her to stop and get away from B. I told her that I better not ever see her fighting with him again. The next time I will go and find her mother. Little brat.
My head hurts.