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Archive for March, 2011

Day 14:

Side effects: “I’ll take Breast Tenderness for $200, Alex.”  Yup. I just wish I actually got 200 dollars for it. Nope, In fact I’m paying for it.

Side note: How much is everyone else paying for Lamictal? I feel like my insurance sucks or something. I’m paying almost 100 dollars.

Feelings: Today was pretty much the Worst. Day. Ever. Professionally. At the end of my horrible work day I got in my car, shut the door, started it and cried. It really really sucked. I wont bore you with the details but to sum it all up, I’m pretty sure almost everyone was pissed at me at one point or another today. Including my boss. The only bright side is that I had to stay an hour late by myself with this one client and my boss said that wasnt cool and that I should pick a day to come in an hour late or leave an hour early and she would pay me for it. So that was cool of her. I went to bed early because 1. I was wiped out from that shit 2. I was avoiding any responsibility that required brain power and 3. I had to get up early. Joy.

Day 1 of week 2:

( I just realized that I have posted twice on the same day, day 12. This means I missed a dose and didnt notice..whoops. Which means I should have started the 50 mg dose today..another oops. I have taken the second pill now. So tomorrow will be Day 2 of week 2. With the correct dosage.)

Side effects: I actually have not noticed that much breast tenderness today. I have however noticed that my bra feels like its cutting into me. GASP..maybe I AM going to get the rare, infamous Lamictal Boobs!! Down side: I find myself slightly itchy on my stomach today, so of course I am nervous about that. I’m watching that VERY closely.

Feelings: I had to go and take a class for work today so I couldn’t go into work at all. I was dreading it but after yesterday, I welcomed it. I thought I did pretty well (there was an exam) so that was good. What was not good is that afterwards, I got a call from my coworker saying that the girl who shares the same position as me had called in sick..leaving the poor new girl in charge. She only started 2 weeks ago. I heard the poor thing was sweating bullets all day long. That just plain sucks. My coworker had better really be sick. I mean, if I go in there tomorrow and she isn’t looking ill, I’m calling her out. Wow, I’m being mean today. Tonight I’m feeling moody. I’ve yelled at/snuggled with/hated on/kissed my husband all in about..3 hours. Right now though, I’m feeling..drained. It’s that feeling of all of my energy slipping out of my fingertips and toes. MAybe I’ll go to bed now before I emotionally scar anyone.

I started the 50mg dose tonight..here’s hoping I see a positive change. And not a rash.

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Day 13:

Side effects: I should probably start a breast tenderness support group. Just sayin’. I think I’m pretty much and expert on it right bout now.  I was to the point of almost passing out today at work for some reason, but I am not sure if that’s the Lamictal or not. I had lunch and everything, so I know my blood sugar wasnt low. It did feel like that though. I got all clammy and hot and I thought I was going to pass out. It was weird.

Feelings: I’ve been promoted at work so I was really busy today. I’m heading up a new section of our office and I was trying to get everything set up today for the start of the division tomorrow. It should be interesting tomorrow to say the least.

I still have not talked to my husband. He just went to bed because he has to get up early so I don’t really have a chance anymore tonight. I think I may be procrastinating. I just really don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m tired. I feel like if we have to talk about it and work through it this much then maybe it’s because we aren’t right together. I just don’t know. We should probably see a marriage counselor. I’m sure that would help and we havent tried it before. I’d be curious to see what they would have to say.

I was short-tempered with the kids again today. I felt like if I tried to handle them screaming and crying, I would explode. And I did not want to do that. Have I mentioned before that a friend of our is staying with us with her 2 girls? I don’t think I have. So, that’s 4 screaming crying kids. 4. And their mom works in the evening so she isn’t here to help with her 2. As much as I love my friend, I may have to ask them to leave soon. They have been here for about 6 months and I’m not sure I can take it anymore. They don’t pay rent or bills, she doesn’t clean any part of the house and I she isn’t taking care of my toddler the way I would like her too. When I have her girls, they get a good meal (usually courtesy of my husband) homework done , baths, pjs and a bedtime story. I come home to my toddler in dirty clothes (because she doesn’t put a bib on him) and he is often banged up somehow. She also has never bathed him for me. The deal was that she could stay here rent free as long as she kept little E during the day so I wouldn’t have to pay daycare. Well, at this point I’m ready to pay the daycare and say “See ya”. I know I’m not in a good place mentally and I just don’t think I can handle the added stress of house guests.

I’m thinking  a nice, quiet, padded room sounds great right about now. Bring it on.

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Sorry for not posting last night, I wasnt feeling well.

First things first: It has come to my attention that some people have a problem with how I am choosing to run this blog. It’s seems I need to clear a few things up:

  • I am under the care of a Psychiatrist AND a Therapist. One would know that if one read the first post.
  • I don’t recall “asking for advice” while blogging. I am simply chronicling this time in my life. I’m not asking for anyones advice on my depression.
  • I also do not blame everything I am feeling on the Lamictal. In fact, I think I have made it pretty clear when I’m having a side effect that I’m not sure if it’s the Lamictal or not. I am aware that some things are just things and not side effects. No shit. Do you see me blaming my dandruff on Lamictal?
  • I am aware that sometimes you have to go through different medicines until you find your perfect match. I have been through different medicines that have not worked, thank you very much.
  • I am also aware that just because one does not work that doesn’t mean all antidepressants are expensive placebos. Yours may work for you. Mine may not. As I have said before, go with your experience. I am simply stating that there has been evidence that antidepressants have failed to perform their duties. Especially Lamictal. (which I should clarify is for depression and mood disorder) There have also been evidence that they work. Again, GO WITH YOUR EXPERIENCE.

All this said, I am going to continue to run this blog just the way I started. Honestly. I am going to be honest about my side effects and feelings, no matter how personal. This way, I can look at my experience from all angles. If I really thought that Lamictal was just a placebo in sheep’s clothing, I wouldn’t have given it a chance. I WANT to be one of those people who exclaim it to be the “wonder drug” that saved their lives. But, I’m also a logical person who can appreciate the facts when they are put in front of me.

This is MY journey. Yours may take you somewhere different.

Now, let’s get on with it:

Day 11:

Side effects: Breast tenderness.  I think this may stay for a while. I’m getting used to it. Acne is clearing up, that’s good.

Feelings: I tried to keep myself super busy today. I took the boys to the store, which ended up being a disaster. No one wanted to stay in the cart and let me tell you, chasing a 6 year old and a 1 1/2 year old through Target=angry stares and a lot of cardio. Then we went to my mom’s. The boys love to go to my parents house so this was a good thing to do. All in all, it was an okay day. I didn’t have too much of a meltdown in Target and my mom fed me. Keeping busy helps sometimes.

Day 12:

I missed my dose this morning but I took it as soon as I got home from work. I didn’t notice any of the infamous Lamictal withdrawals, but I’m sure you need to be off of them a little longer than that to experience them.

Side effects: All together now: Breast tenderness. Dizziness is here today too.

Feelings: I’m still trying to process everything with my husband and it’s throwing me off a bit at work. We’re supposed to be starting over but everything still feels the same as it did a few days ago. I’m not sure we clarified what we meant by “starting over”. I think it just sounded nice. I tried to talk to him a bit about it last night, but I was very tired and I think I fell asleep in the middle of the conversation. So, score. I’ll try again tonight.

I’m also very curious to find out whether or not I’ll be able to feel any difference when I move up to 50mg a day in a few days. I’m still afraid of the potentially deadly Rash sneaking up on me. Consider my eyes PEELED.

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Day 10:

Side effects: Same as yesterday really, breast tenderness, acne, so on and so forth. Why cant growing 5 inches or hair loss in only your legs and bikini area ever be a side effect? Sigh..

Feelings: As you could probably tell by my previous post, the day didn’t start out well. Yes, I do realize that I am in somewhat of a slump. The last few days have been like this. My kids were instantly driving me crazy this morning. I ended up screaming and yelling and scaring the holy hell out of them…it was terrible. My son was spouting out question after question and whining about every answer I gave him. But the baby was especially whiny. He has been for quite a while now, he has some top molars coming in and I hear those are hard to deal with. My first son was such a good teether, I never knew when he was getting a new tooth because he was never grumpy or whiny. This little guy lets you know about it. Loudly. Loudly and frequently.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think I was cut out to be a mother. Seriously. It was never a huge desire of mine nor was I ever planning it. It was going to be me and my career that would preferably take me far away from where I was. So when I got pregnant at 16 and abortion wasnt an option (for me) I seriously considered adoption..until my son was born extremely premature. I couldn’t leave him all alone like that. He needed me. So I watched him go through surgery after surgery and come much too close to death for any parents liking. He still suffers from complications from being premature and has since also been diagnosed with a genetic syndrome. So it was me AND him now. I knew i wasnt going to be able to have the career I planned, so I had to settle for being the best I could be at a mediocre job. I met my husband about 1 1/2 years after my son was born. I was thankful for someone to share the hardships with when it came to raising a handicapped child. So when we got married, I guess I felt like it was only natural to have another child. You get married, you have kids you know? ABC, basic stuff. But none of it was what I had planned or envisioned for myself. I’m disappointed in the person ive become. I can’t even handle being a mother some days and most women are in love with it. I feel like my kids deserve better than this short-fused, depressing woman. They deserve someone who loves to volunteer for the school carnivals or goes to every little league game and practice. Someone who takes them outside and shows them the wonders of the world. I realize how all of this sounds but I’m just trying to be honest with myself.

I’m going to try very hard to stop being disappointed in the woman I’ve become and start embracing her. I WANT to be that ideal(ish) mother. I want them to grow up, look back at their childhood and go “Yeah, Mom was pretty great.” But I can’t possibly look forward to me and my boys’ future if I’m still living in my past. My whole life revolves around my past and the consequences of it. I’m not sure how to go about this but I know I need to cut ties with my old self. She’s toxic and dangerous and she scares the shit out of me.

I hope I can get an appointment with my new therapist soon..

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Day 9:

Day 9 was a bad one.

Side effects: Dry mouth again in addition to breast tenderness. And of course, the acne. I wonder if there is a point that you have to get to where these side effects don’t come into play anymore. One can hope.

Feelings: The Lamictal is definitely not working yet. I’m in full mood swing mode..I didnt post last night because I was preoccupied. After I got home from work I sat on the couch and just started to feel down again. This continued on through the night and resulted in a fight with my husband. Again. This time though, it had to do with him telling me that he was no longer in love with me about a week ago. Obviously, I took that pretty hard.

In addition to the depression and mood swings, I also suffer from suicidal idealisations. For a while now, I’ve been visualizing how I’m going to kill myself. I am about 80% sure I would never act on my idealisations. It would hurt my boys too much. But lately, I’ve been wondering if its better for them to have an insane mother or a dead one.

Getting back to my point, the fight was also about me saying I wanted to kill myself. He of course hates it when I say this and it’s probably a big reason why he said doesn’t love me anymore. Anyway, around midnight, all of the arguing turned into some angry sex…twice. My husband and I agreed to start over, new and fresh like. That lasted for me until..this morning.

I’ll post about day 10 when its over. Right now, I’m wondering whether or not 21 Vicodon would actually kill me. Or just make me violently ill.

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Day 8:

Side effects: Obviously the acne is still hanging about. The pimps havent cleared out yet so..boo. Breast tenderness: also check.

Feelings: Definitely having some mood swings today. It’s really been horrible. Fine and talking one minute, irritable and yelling the next. I got into a fight with my husband before I even left for work. So, no change there yet either.

Last night turned out to be horrible. After I posted, I went to take a shower. I was trying to keep myself moving and active so I wouldn’t slip into the overwhelming urge to just lay down and not move..ever again. After my shower though, I went and took a look in the mirror. And I hated what I saw. I wanted to punch the glass and make that ugly girl disappear. I wanted to cut her face. I just wanted her to go away. Instead, I looked down and the floor seemed like a good place for me. I layed down still wrapped in my towel from the shower, and I stayed there.

About an hour later my husband found me laying there. He grabbed some my underwear and a t-shirt of his and dressed me and carried me to bed. A few silent tears slid out before I fell asleep. It was a bad night. Today was not great. I hope tomorrow is better.

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First things first: I made a change to the theme of the blog. If you hadn’t noticed the old theme was..well, depressing. No pun intended. Just thought we should liven it up just a bit.

Day 7  went a Little something like this:

Side effects: The dizziness is back. Maybe it’s not so much dizziness as it is just being..uncoordinated. I ran into about 3 different things today. The nausea made a slight cameo today as well but that was because I went off track of my new routine of eating as soon as my alarm clock goes off. I was running really late this morning and skipped breakfast. (we had someone coming in for a working interview so I needed to look like I actually get to work on time.) Breast tenderness is on going. I really really hope that this is just a weird patch but I have been noticing some acne. I never break out. Like, never. And right now I look like I’m a 13 year old pheromone riddled boy. Not really, its only 3 pimples. But, still. That’s a lot for me. Maybe I can strike a deal with the Lamictal: I will deal with a few pimples. IF I get the breast enlargement side effect. That wouldn’t be too shabby if you ask me.

Feelings: I was in a pretty good state at work today. Because of the girl doing the working interview I couldn’t exactly be all doom and gloom so I sucked it up and pepped it up. It was a fine performance. I’m still not noticing a change in the depression/moods though. As soon as I left the office I could feel myself slipping into being lethargic. It’s almost like I can physically feel the energy and good feelings drain out through my fingertips and toes. Did that sound normal? God, maybe I’m hallucinating now too…awesome.

I hope my night perks up because right now, I’m still feeling like I could go lay down on the floor and stay there for the rest of the night

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