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Day 50:

Side Effects: Acne a bit. Headaches. Low appetite. I did have a nightmare this night. I sat straight up in bed, terrified and called for K. And then I realized that I was not at home, I was in a hotel room. With a room mate. And I was embarrassed. I hoped she didnt hear me but the next morning she told me she did. Crap.

Feelings: I had classes all day today. At my 8:30 to 11:30 class, I learned a lot and was very interested. I seemed to be the only one there that was not a higher up though. Oh well. My coworkers and I met up after the morning class and I used my Places app on my phone to find us a restaurant near by. We walked a couple of blocks and ate some mexican food outside. I got sunburned of course. I’m so white. I generally dont like tanning because it’s bad for you, but now I’m going to have to go to fix this farmers tan. Yuck.

We walked back for our afternoon classes and separated. My next class was VERY interesting. It was a very good class. My coworker was next door so when it was over, I met up with her and we walked back to the hotel. We had an hour before we had to meet up at a restaurant with our boss. I knew I didnt have time but I had to shower. I mean, I really had to. I felt gross. So as usual, everyone was waiting on me. While we were getting ready, there was a knock on our door. It was our boss. Crap. I joked that everyone was waiting on me and said we would be down soon. As soon as I was done, we met up to have drinks. Our boss kept the rounds coming and I think we all got a little tipsy. The boss left to go back to her room and we ventured out to find something to eat that was not mexican food or burgers.

We found an awesome italian restaurant not far away. We waited at the bar for our table which took a while but their was 6 of us. We had some good food, I had parmesan artichoke hearts which was very good. I just couldnt eat too much of it. After that, we swung back by the rooms so our friend could change and to drop the new girl off who didnt like going out with us because of her boyfriend. Weird, I know.

We all headed out and took a taxi to a gay club that our friend told us was fun. We had a really good time there. The male dancers are nice to look at but you know they arent playing for your team so that makes it okay to look at them. Haha. I had a guy plant a kiss on me (gay) and I immediately felt the need to tell K. He kissed all of my friends too. Everyone was equally shocked I think. It wasnt bad, it was funny but unexpected. There was however, a straight guy who would not get off of me. I was just dancing with my friends when he worked his way in and would not go away. My friend tried to pull me away from him and he pulled me back. I threw my hand in his face to show him my wedding ring at that point. He told me to “calm down” and that we were just dancing. I told him that 1. I dont like to be touched,period. and 2. Tell my husband that we were “just dancing” and see what he says to you. It was so obnoxious. Everything was fine after that. We caught the cab back to the hotel and passed out. Then things got interesting apparently…

Day 51:

Side Effects: Continuing acne, though it is not a lot. Low appetite. Dizziness and nausea. But, I was hung over.

Feelings: After our fun night, I was feeling it in the morning. My room mate and I forgot to set an alarm so she almost missed her first class which was her most important. I showered and met the new girl to walk to our first class. I felt horrible. I should have grabbed a Gatorade and a granola bar or something but I didnt. Because I’m dumb. I sat through the class with one of my other coworker feeling like I was going to throw up. Our teacher did not help. He was a class A douche bag. So arrogant and ridiculous. My coworker is about 7 to 8 months pregnant and she started to feel like she was having some cramps so she bailed out about an hour into the class.

During the class, I remembered something strange from the night before. I had my roomie clear it up later. She said she awoke to a lot of banging and scratching. Scared, she just layed there for a minute trying to figure it out what it was. Finally, she flicked on the light and saw me standing there, holding a picture in its frame (that was the size of me) and trying to get it off of the wall. I only remember this part. I remember putting it back on the wall and that was it. She said that after that, I went to the bathroom and then got back into bed. It was so weird. I have no recollection of this. I know that I have slept walked in the past but I did not think that I was still doing that. K says that he hasnt noticed it lately but he did bring up a good point. I have never actually drank a substantial amount of alcohol on the Lamictal. This was my first time. So maybe that is it. I dont know.

Anyway,  I stuck out the class for the full 3 hours and then I basically ran out of there. I got something to eat first, which was a granola bar and caught a cab. We packed up and checked out of the hotel. The ride back was okay. We picked up something to eat and I fell asleep for a while. K came to pick me up at the office and I almost cried seeing the boys. I missed them so much. They were actually really happy to see me and that felt good. We went home and settled in. We ordered chinese food and watched some t.v. The boys went to bed shortly after and so did we. I was wiped out.

It was a pretty good trip. I did notice that I have a problem keeping my temper in check when coming face to face with rude people. That is an issue because you just cant be like that all of the time. You’re always going to run into rude people. It’s just life. I seem to have word vomit though. I just cant keep the mouth shut. Stupid mouth.

More to come tomorrow, this catching up is killing me! Night all.

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Appointment Day!

Day 48:

Side Effects: Acne. Not too much. If its a side effect, I have a big ball of nervousness in my stomach from the anticipation of today.

Feelings: I saw the Therapist first today. Her name is Jill, she is a soft spoken woman of about 50 or so. I like her immediately for some reason. She makes me feel comfortable. She starts out by telling me a little about what she does and what kind of therapies that could work for me. (art therapy, writing, marriage) My ears perked up at the marriage counseling but thats for another day. She asked me a bunch of questions after that:

Name some good qualities about yourself, B. Oh..(i thought for a while) I dont really think I have any good qualities. Ok, bad ones? I’m depressed a lot, I get angry a lot, I’m just not that great of a person. Okay, are you married? Yes. Do you have kids? Yes. Are you on any medication? Yes. Have you ever taken drugs? Yes, cocaine and crystal meth. How long ago? More than 8 years ago. Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes, when I was 15. I cut myself on a regular basis and someone called CPS on my mom because she didnt so anything about it and they put in the psych ward for a few weeks. Did that help you? No, someone would just walk up to you everyday and ask if you were okay. If you said yes, they just walked away and that was it. (Here, she said that she has heard the place I was at was like that and she didnt like them.)Has there been any history of sexual, emotional or physical abuse?….Yes. Who were the abusers? My brother and my cousin. How old were you when the abuse began? From what I remember, about 5 or 6. But I believe I have some repressed memories. How old were you when the abuse stopped? I was 12 or 13. Is your family supportive? No. They are not now nor have they ever been. I’m very sorry..Do you have a close relationship with your mother? On some levels, as long as we dont go too deep we are okay.  Do you believe she knew what was happening to you? I think that she knew on some level but was in denial or just trying to keep the family together. Keeping up the image of a close, happy family was really important to her. Keeping it up at all cost, it seems. (She shakes her head and looks a little angry at this point, I’m liking her more and more.) So, you werent allowed to talk about it? Did you ever say anything? I did say something to my friend at school about my cousin when I was 12 and she told a counselor, who called the police. They pressed charges but because of death threats and intense bullying at school, I dropped them. Since then, I kept my mouth shut until I was 19 and I told my mother almost everything. She has not been supportive at all.

Here, we got off of that subject for a little while because I was uncomfortable. She asked me about my husband. I said that K was a great guy and that I got very lucky. He doesnt lie, cheat or steal. He is very kind. He is honest. He tries and tries to help me. She says that its wonderful that I think so highly of him and that it seems as though I sought out someone with those qualities because I never had someone like that in my family. (Maybe, but I just think I got lucky)

She asks me what I’m trying to get out of seeing her. I tell her that I dont like to take medicine unless I really need it. And I dont think that medicine alone is going to fix me. I think a combination of medicine and therapy is necessary because medicine cannot help me to deal with my past. And, I’m driving K crazy. She says she thinks that is a good reason. She also says that she runs into 2 types of patients. Patients that have given up and are keeping the cycle going or patients that are trying very hard to break the cycle. She thinks I am breaking the cycle in my family. She says I am breaking away from the toxicity in my family and making my own way with K that is free of the negativity. She says she thinks it takes a very strong person to do that.She also says that I’m a good mother for my children because we have broken away from my family. I started to cry about here but I held it in. Someone thinks that I am strong. Someone thinks that I am good. Someone thinks that I broke the cycle. That feels pretty damn good.

It also felt good that she got mad about my mother not being supportive. She doesnt know the half of it yet but I told her it is very hard for me to talk about anything to anyone so it might take a while. I’m just glad someone thought it was effed up the way my mother acts. I see her again next week. I’m looking forward to it.

I saw the Psych after that appointment. She asked me about symptoms. I told her about my acne, which she doesnt know if it is a real side effects or not. I say,yes. I tell her about my nightmares. She says that sounds like a serotonin side effect and Lamictal was not a serotonin. I tell her that I dont know, but I am having them and I havent before. I also tell her I have no appetite. She says its common for people to lose weight on Lamictal. I tell her I’m not complaining. She ask if my mood is better. I say slightly, K notices a difference but not much. I’m still noticing mood swings. She says give me an example. I say I went ape shit on my plants in the backyard. She says did you like the plants? I said no. She asks what set it off. I say I got a birthday card from my brother. She says she doesnt think that its a mood swing though. She thinks I was enraged by getting the card and took it out on some plants I hated. She said she has worked with women doing rage therapy before and thats common. I just say that it’s not like me. I’m usually pretty good at the whole repression thing. She says to give her another example. I tell her that I have notice I can go through the day being really happy and then having a sudden urge to cry. She says that doesnt sound mood-disorderish. I say whatever, thats what is happening. She says to up my medication to 300mg but if that doesnt work, we need to talk about heavier things that have horrible side effects. I say okay and peace out. I was not happy with her.

Day 49:

Side Effects: Acne, pain in the butt acne. And dizziness. Boo. And no appetite.

Feelings: Today was slow. I was mulling over the session yesterday and the day was dragging by because we had no clients. Today was the day we were going out of town and our boss had left the day before. So we just hung out at the office until 2 which is when she said we could leave. At 2, we packed it up and headed out. I left K the car for the boys. (The new car!) And car pooled with three other girls. It was a fun trip up. About 4 hours and the 2 girls in the back got drunk on the way up there. Me and the girl driving passed on the beers. Once we got there, we unpacked, ran into our coworker that was out on maternity leave but was joining us on our trip (and her SUPER cute baby!) and headed up to our rooms. Our rooms were great. They were right on the water and steps away from the nightlife. We immediately changed and headed out to explore. We decided to stop and get drinks at the Hard Rock Cafe. That was fun. Except I yelled at their manager because his hostess was being a rude bitch and kicked my friend, her husband and her baby out because they came in after we were seated and wanted to join us. Apparantley, that is against their policy. So I asked to speak with her manager, to which I gave an ear full and he gave my friends back their seats. It was ridiculous. After dinner, myself and 2 other girls went to a club across the street. It was fun. Until some obnoxious girl was dancing ALL OVER the floor and almost knocked me over. I told her to get away from me 3 times. I was just thinking about going after her when my friends decided we should go to another floor. So we went down a floor and stayed there the rest of the time. About 1230 we decided we needed to go, we had class in the morning. Me and my roomie, A, got into bed and layed there and talked for a while. A is really nice. She seems to have a lot in common with me and we talk a lot. Some times too much. We didnt go to bed for a bit because we were talking so much. Once we did, I couldnt sleep well because I need noise in a room. I have a fan usually but in this case, no fan. At one point, I jerked straight up in the bed and called K’s name. Then I realized I wasnt at home. Embarrassed, I layed back down and went to sleep. Sigh. Only me.

I’ll post the rest of the days tomorrow, right now it’s late and my bed is calling me. It’s good to be back!

I’ll be back soon though.

I have to go out of town for work tomorrow until Saturday afternoon and then I’ll probably be too wiped to post until Sunday. I just wanted to put it out there in case anyone started to wonder where I went (all 3 of you!)

Today was my appointment with my Psych and Therapist. It was really intersting and a lot to type. Unfortunately, I wont be able to post it tonight because it’s already 10pm and I have to pack to leave tommorrow. There’s no way I can post anything but maybe random tid bits here and there. I’ll have a roomie and be in classes all day. I’ll be writing things down because it will be a few days before I get back and recapping it by memory would probably suck.

Thanks to my lovely readers, I’ll be back on Sunday!

Stay sane.

-B

Day 45:

Side Effects: Headache today, but then again I had been drinking a little the night before. My appetite continues to remain low. Slight acne as well.

Feelings: Today was a pretty good day also. I havent been hungry, but thats not really effecting my mood anyway. Little B seems like he is sick today. We feed him through a tube (unless he wants to eat something by mouth) and his esophagus is wrapped into a one way valve so he cannot throw up. You can tell when he wants to though. He dry heaves and salivates a lot. Poor thing. He was doing this all morning and was pretty pale. He did not have a fever so I just watched him closely and gave him some Pedialite so he wouldnt get dehydrated. By the afternoon he looked much better and was well enough to want to go to grandmas house.

K and I have been thinking about trading in our car for something a little bigger so today we went car shopping without the boys. I like car shopping. It’s neat to see different cars and features and I’m also a pretty good negotiator. I like it when a car salesmen think just because I’m a girl I’m not going to be able to negotiate anything about a car. Anyway, we looked around at some nice ones but I had settled on one that was a certified preowned with a factory warranty. That seemed like the best deal. After the wheeling and dealing was over, I walked out on their final offer. I had given them mine and they wouldnt accept it so we left. I told them to call us when our offer sounded good to them. I’m not worried about it, there are other cars.

We picked up little E on the way home but little B wanted to stay the night. We told him he could,provided he didnt get any worse during the night and if he did, my mother was to call me. We went home and everyone got into bed.

Day done.

Day 46:

Side effects: Headache, or what I like to call, life. Appetite:No. Acne:Yes.

Feelings: Today was my Dads birthday so I had some things to do. The first thing though was I freaked out and started cleaning the house again. I dont know what it is but I CANNOT ignore a messy house. It makes me so angry. After that, me and litle E had some shopping to do. Unfortunately, little E decided to take a 4 hour nap. Which is fine but I didnt have much else to do. I did the dishes, and some laundry but that was really it. Then I layed around on the couch until he finally woke up. Then we went to the store. We got some things for the house,  some fruits and veggies and such. A sample lady gave little E some sautéed veggies and he went to town on those. I’m glad he likes veggies so much, saves me some trouble. I also got my Dad a really yummy looking chocolate cake. And a card. Not a sappy one though. Sappy makes me..highly uncomfortable. Anyway, my Dad wanted fried chicken and mashed potatoes and coleslaw so we had that. I got him a “? ” candle to go on top of his cake, he thought that was funny. We watched pop-up video and hung out. Then we needed to get the boys home because it was getting close to little E’s bed time and little B had a project to do. I told my Dad sorry that his present wasnt in yet (it’s coming though, I just dont know when! Stupid ground shipping) and we left. B finished up his project while K put little E to bed. I got mad at K for some reason that I cant remember now and I went to bed before him. I was laying in bed watching T.V. when I saw on the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. Wow. Although I am happy that this man got what he deserved, I’m scared that we just pissed off Al Qaeda. Like, really pissed them off. K and I talked about that for a little while but then he fell asleep while I stayed awake to watch President Obama address the issue and America.

So today was a good day for me. But, for some people it was a great day. The troops are rejoicing, as are the families of the 911 victims. As they should be. But of course, this also opens some old wounds for these families and for that, I’m sorry for them. Nothing can ever fix the pain they went through but I hope this victory has made a difference for them.  Even if it is a small one.

Day 47:

Side Effects: Headaches. But again, my day was ugh so it was probably from that. No appetite, acne lingers.

Feelings: My coworker called in today because her son is in the hospital (he has crohns disease) and our office manager as well as another girl was out this morning. So it was CRAZY. I was being pulled in 18 different directions and the worst part is I feel like my boss saw me as being frazzled but it truth, no one in the office does that many jobs at once. I cant handle EVERYTHING at the SAME time. That sucks that she thinks that, but oh well. When the office manager did come back, she asked how the week without her was. I told her about the AWESOME coworker and her attitude all week as well as her picking a fight with me over my pay. She wasnt too happy about that last one. Of course, there isnt going to be anything done about it because for some reason, we all walk on eggshells around her. Ugh. I grabbed some lunch but didnt eat it. 2 bites and I was done. Weird low appetite. I didnt even want any chocolate (gasp!)

Around noon, K called to tell me that the car dealership had called back with a counter offer and he told them what the bottom line was for us. Even though I had instructed him not to say ANYTHING (he isnt so good with negotiations) he did a good job telling them what we wanted. I finished out the day (complete with staying late) and went home to wrap things up. We called the dealership together and told them that we would accept their last offer provided that they fix some cosmetic things we noticed about the car. We are supposed to come in tomorrow to sign the papers.

The kids were driving me absolutely bonkers this evening, I yelled at them at least 3 times as well as K. Come to think of it, I have been swinging back and forth all day long. We also had to change out little B’s tube tonight. It requires deflating the balloon with a syringe and pulling it out of his stomach, inserting a new, lubricated tube and filling the new balloon with 5cc of distilled water. B cried because he was scared and it does hurt, but he actually handled it pretty well and is well deserving of a new toy. I’ll take him to pick one out soon.

Countdown to Psych/Therapist appointment: 1 day.

Days 43 and 44

Day 43:

Side effects: Recurrence of Acne. Little white heads today..ew. The itchy is here today, but its still not bad. I actually did NOT have a nightmare last night! Yay! I am not feeling so good today though. For the past few days I havent felt awesome. Headaches, dizziness and nausea are plaguing me. I dont think it’s the Lamictal, I think I’m just slightly sick.

Feelings: Today was a slow day at work so our boss was riding us to find something productive to do. Which is fine, she’s paying us all day. But I just really really didnt want to. She seemed to be in a bad mood do I tried to stay out-of-the-way. Usually, she likes my jokes. I try to make witty remarks to keep the mood up. But, she wasnt having it today. That sucks.

Also, the AWESOME coworker decided to pick a fight with me today about how much I make. Our office manager is out on vacation so she took over the position until she gets back. That means she does payroll. Which means she has seen my check. Great. She started out on this rant about how she should get a raise because of all of the work that she’s doing and “no offense” (why do people always say this before they say something effed up to you?)to me but she had been here 1 year and a 1/2 longer than me (in reality, 10 months) and she only makes 1 dollar an hour more than me. I told her that I do a lot of things that she doesnt do, I bust my ass and I came on with more experience whereas she had none. All she has is her stupid 10 months of seniority. Bitch. I am sooo telling on her when our office manager gets back. Or not, that will probably get her a freakin raise.

Overall, my mood was pretty much on the down/angry side. I was not a big fan of this day.

Day 44:

Side effects: No nightmares, woohoo! Small amount of acne, no itching (yay!) but headaches, dizziness and nausea. (wtf?) I’m actually freaking myself out over the possibility that I may be pregnant. I have the Mirena IUD, but I know a girl who got pregnant even with it. Apparently, most of the time if you do get pregnant on it, it’s a tubal pregnancy. So I’m freaked.

Feelings:  Today was very busy at work. Heh, my job is bipolar too. Anyway, I woke up in a horrible mood. I tried to keep myself positive but it wasnt working. After I got to work though, I forced myself to at least pretend to be normal. After a while, you get so busy you dont think about how shitty you feel. Which helps. I did get a chance to tell the AWESOME coworker to get off of her ass and come help out so that was fun.

Today was also my brother’s birthday. I had bought him a couple of things and I planned on giving those to him later. He is really the only sibling that I’m really close too. (I have four siblings) I am semi close to my sister, I love her, but my brother and I are very close in age and just have more things in common. Anyway, he asked me and K to go to a baseball game with him and his girlfriend. My mom actually volunteered to watch the boys so we could go. It was surprising. We said yes and went to go pick him up. He loved his presents and we had a fun ride up to the stadium. While we were standing in the line to buy tickets, this guy just walked up to us and asked if we wanted his extra tickets. We werent sure is he was a scalper or what so at first we were like no. But then he said he had like 10 of them and he really didnt need them so we accepted. It was really cool. And, they were GREAT seats. I mean, ground level down the first base line seats! What luck! We had a great time. I had one of those HUGE margaritas and we stayed after the game to watch the firework show. After that, we swung by the bar and had a birthday drink with my brother and then headed home. We got the rundown on how the boys did and then fell into bed.

Really, after the bad moods in the morning, the day really pepped up. I was happy today. Finally.

Days 41 and 42

Day 41:

Side effects: Again, not sure if its a symptom but I am damn tired of these nightmares. They are vivid and sad. I’m sure you know by now that the acne fluctuates. Today, it has flared. Whoopie. The itching is starting to go away.

Feelings: I was right about the oncoming crash. The night before, I ended up on the floor. I felt like I had 100 pounds on top of me. I just didnt have the strength or the desire to get up. I fell asleep there and I’m not sure when my husband found me and lifted me into the bed.

Today, the rest of the physical manifestation of my crash came about. I had a headache at work in the morning that I ignored. I had work to do,I couldnt lay about with a headache. My coworker brought in a hurt dove a little while later and she brought it to my attention. Every in the office knows that I’m a sucker for animals. I know a lady near by that takes in injured wildlife so I did her a favor and took a lunch break to take the bird over to her. I drove back, and had a million things to do and everyone needing something from me. I had to skip lunch. And I hadnt had breakfast. Around 4 o clock, I was crashing. Crashing hard. After I got done with one client I thought I was going to pass out. The room was spinning, I was really hot and a little nauseous. I stopped and asked my coworker if we had anything to eat. She said she bought some cookies. I told her that I thought I was going to pass out and I was going to go and get one and sit down for a minute. I had been sitting a nd was about halfway through a cookie when my boss walked up and asked if I could trade places with the new girl now. It sounded like she was pissed that she had just found me sitting and eating a cookie instead of working. I told her I was eating it because my blood sugar was low. She said fine but it didnt sound like she meant it..which is great. So, I went and traded places with the new girl. I tried to focus on work but I couldnt. My hands shook, I was sweating, and I had tunnel vision. My headache was getting increasingly worse. I could tell it was now on its way to a full blown migraine. After I got to a stopping point, I told my boss that I was sorry, but I had to excuse myself. I left the room and went straight to the bathroom. I waiting for the vomit but it didnt come. I called K to come and get me and then I sat and tried to finish my cookie. I couldnt. I was past the point of eating to bring my blood sugar back up. It was making me want to vomit just looking at it. My eye felt like it was going to explode. Damn migraines. The whole time my REALLY AWESOME coworker is telling me that I needed to go home and “pep up” because they needed me tomorrow. I just felt like too much shit to strangle her. K came and picked me up and somehow, I made it home. I immediately went to the bedroom and layed down. K brought me a trash can and some pills. I couldnt take the pills and just layed there for a bit, fighting tears. I dozed off but woke quickly with a pain in my stomach. I hung off the side of the bed and vomited into the trash can. It sucked. K came in and gave me my toothbrush. When I was done, I took the pills. Then I slept. I woke about 3 hours later and felt better.

Over all, this day was horrible.

First moral of the story: No good deed goes unpunished.

Second moral: No trashcan without a liner in it goes without being hosed out when it is vomited in.

Day 42:

Side effects: Nightmares. Can this stop now? Is there anyway I could just not sleep? I’m tired of waking up in a cold sweat, reaching for K, clutching my chest and/or gasping for air. Acne is a little worse today, but I hear sweating and vomiting will do that to you. Still itching, its not so bad.

Feelings: Well, I thought for sure I would feel fine this morning but this was not the case. I didnt eat much this morning because just trying to put some cereal in my mouth was making me very nauseous. I had a few bites and then left for work. I was in some very long procedures all day and the dizziness was really killing me. The dizziness and the tunnel vision. I didnt put this under side effects because I think this is something that is just me and not the Lamictal. My other boss (I have 2) made me go and eat something before we started another procedure. (Good thinking) I snacked really quick on some chicken and then had to get back. The dizziness and tunnel vision persisted on and off. When it was all done, I grabbed a cookie and had that. I went home and my husband had made dinner. Despite not eating much again today and being dizzy, I wasnt hungry. I tried a few bites but then just couldnt. Right now, I’m getting dizzy and I’m just sitting down typing. My moods have been up and down today but mostly, down. Everything feels down. I feel exhausted. The coworker was awful again today but there really isnt anything I can do about her other than say things back to her when she is being rude to me. What? If I have to have thick skin then so does she.

Let’s all put on our rhino skins, shall we? No? Ok, I’m fine with that. I wouldnt want to if I were you either.

Sorry I did not post until today, with Easter and all I was wiped out.

Day 38:

Side effects: I was itchy again today but not so much as before. That’s good. I dont know if its a side effect or not, but I’ve been having nightmares again. It’s not listed as a side effect but I’m not one to have dreams a lot. I’m usually a hard sleeper.

Feelings: I got up and did a lot of shopping today. I think that I am having a manic episode. I have felt way too good this past week. It’s an above normal kind of good. Whats confusing is I still have down random moments, but other than that, I’m hyper and talkative and “happy”. I was just telling K that I’m waiting for the crash. Like drinking an energy drink and then crashing later. I’m sure this is coming to an end soon. Anyway, I shopped with my mom and we bought a lot of Easter basket things and dye for eggs. I also bought my sister a travel set for her daughter that she is having in August. Here’s something cool:the boys were great in the store. I mean, awesome. Considering that I forgot to put little B’s ADHD patch on today, he was surprisingly good. It’s all about the silver lining folks. We took the boys to Chik Fil a (sp?) to eat and it turned out they were having an Easter party. It was way cute and fun. They also got to meet the Chik fil a cow. E liked him and was fascinated. B did not want to hang out with him at all. He’s like that though. A couple of years ago he wanted his party at chuck e cheese but as soon as chuck e came out, he ran behind me and wouldnt say hi to him. He hates all mascots it seems. Oh well, I dont expect him to be his school mascot or get a job as a Disney character at Disney world.

Day 39: Happy Easter!

Side effects: Less itching today as well. Maybe it’s starting to go away. I’m still having nightmares. I dreamt last night that I went to get a tattoo and the guy wouldnt listen to me about what I wanted and kept tattooing perfume bottles filled with women and lipstick tubes filled with eyeballs. Things like that. it’s so weird.

Feelings: Today was stressful for a little while. Of course, Easter ended up being at my house. Joy. I meticulously cleaned the house and tried to get everything set up as best as possible. My mom and K usually dont let me cook anything ever since I tried to make mashed potatoes 2 years ago for Thanksgiving and it ended up looking like glue. I mean, I dont even know how that could have happened. Jeez. So on this day, all I did was put the Angel food cake on a cake stand. Fine with me. Little B and Little E loved their Easter baskets. E especially loved his Mr. Potato Head. There are parts everywhere. My mom Dad and little brother came over and me and K hid the easter eggs. The kids had dyed some real eggs too so those went out as well. I dyed some pretty awesome ones if I do say so myself. Maybe I’ll upload a picture later to prove it to you. We also got a pinata. What? They make Easter pinatas. Seriously. So what if it was just a regular pinata that they glued a disposable easter plate onto? It’s still an Easter Pinata. Kids cant tell the difference anyway. After all of that was done, everyone winded down, dispersed and went to bed.

I have to say, this Easter was a very good one. Although I did have to apologize to K for yelling at him a lot throughout the day. Anyway, I know why it was good though. This is the first holiday in a long time that I wasnt forced to be around my abuser. He’s in jail and far away from me and my family and thats a good feeling. No awkwardness, no guilt, no crying. It was great. I hope we have more holidays like that.

Day 40:

Side effects: About the same itching as yesterday but still not as bad as it was. Dizzy today,too. Last night, I had a nightmare that my husband was trying to work on something and some chemical splashed him in the face and blinded him. It also left him terribly scarred. Then, he was depressed all of the time because he thought I didnt love him anymore because of how he looked. It was sad. I also had more nightmares. It’s like I wake up from one, go back to sleep and then have another. It’s all night long. I’m exhausted everyday because I feel like I dont get any sleep.

Feelings: Today may be the day of the crash. I can feel it physically. I have had a headache all day long and I’m just all together slouchy and moving slowly. I did my job and everything, I just had to put a lot of effort into it. And the dizziness was quite annoying. Come to think of it, I wonder if thats where my headache came from. Maybe. I also got outed at work today. We were all going over some paper work when my boss walked up. I handed her my request for time off sheet and she said “Oh, whats this? Oh, a doctor’s appointment, okay.” Then, my coworker (who will now be refered to as Bitch in my head) said, “Yea, she has to go to her crazy appointment.” Awesome. My boss just looked confused and I said “Thanks for that.” It was a really awkward moment. I mean, who the hell thinks its okay to say that in front of everyone? She tried to make it seem like it wasnt a bad thing by going “There’s nothing wrong with it, you should schedule me to go with you.” But the damage was done and she was just making it worse. I think my hair was actually on fire. Luckily, it was close to 5 so I got to leave not 5 minutes later. I almost cried in the car on the way home but I held it in. Fuck her. I wasnt going to cry over her stupidity. Fuck her.

Has anyone else ever been “outed” ?